The ramblings of an incoherent book addict

You know how it's so annoying when people tell you to learn from your hard times and troubles? Yeah, I always hate it when my brain starts understanding things because of a bad day, and I shout at it "Stop it! I don't want to see the big picture. I just want to be mad." But it always happens, and when I again become sane, it's always stuff that may not be necessarily crucial, but always useful and interesting. Maybe it wouldn't be so annoying if it wasn't so true. You always learn the craziest stuff on your bad days.

Yesterday was a terrible day on so many levels. One of those ones where something big goes wrong, and so every little thing that is inconvenient also drives you up the wall. Shall we address this chronologically, or in order of painfulness?

I guess let's do first things first: the catalyst.

As you may know, I've been jobless for a long time. It's obviously inconvenient because I have nothing else to do with my life, and no money either. Which sucks. But an unfortunate side effect that many overlook about being jobless is the many questions and lectures.

Ok, here there were paragraphs about the agonies of why being jobless is a pain in the butt. But it tangented way longer than I planned, which is what usually happens in these situations. So I cut it, and pasted it at the end of this post. You can read it if you want, but I really won't be offended if you don't.

So in this whole job search fiasco I've had a lot of time on my hands. I've been using significant portions of this time to work on some things that I've had as hobbies for years. Years and years. And never once did I ever think that I could possibly do something career wise with it until now. All the sudden I realized that I couldn't honestly discount the possibility of a more creative career, when it was a last option anyway. Banking on it first would be dumb, yes. But when I've got nothing to lose, I've got nothing to lose.

So I did it. I sent in my stuff, and waited. For an agonizingly long time. Which I guess is farther than most people ever get. They write, or draw, or paint, or sing, or compose, or act, or whatever it is. And they tell everyone how much they love it, but never do anything about it. So I still feel good about that part of it. Anyway, over the course of this time, I began more and more to realize how very much I would love having a job like that. I sort of stopped looking for other jobs toward the end, because I was so focused on this.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It was probably dumb to bank on just making it. Just like that. Especially when so very many other people are trying to do the same thing. But I got distracted and my imagination waxed grandiose. So I'm sure you can guess what happened next. Yeah, they said No.

No one reading this is really surprised. At all. And once I saw the envelope I wasn't either. I knew what it said before I even opened it. But it still came as a very unwelcome shock. And I cried a little. And texted like 500 people about it. Ok, not that many people even know about it. But I did text a lot.

And the whole while every little thing started to be a conspiracy against me. For example, just the night before I had come back from a short trip to Virginia. It was so lush and green and tree-full, and warm in Virginia. And I fly back to snow in April in an ugly barren desert. The only thing about Utah that I haven't been able to hate over the past 24 hours is cafe rio.

Oh, and yes, I took these Virginia pictures while I was there this past week. See, so lovely and green.

Add on top of that a cold that I am sure was brought on by travelling between frigid Utah and warm Va, and then back. Crying with a cold is horrible. Don't do it. And Sleeping with a cold sucks too, because it all drains into your lungs while you're lying down. So both days I've been back, I've woken up and obscenely early hours because of my lack of air flow to my lungs.

And add onto that the fact that I'm living out of boxes and suitcases that I can't even get into. Because this is a small room, and the bigger room I'm planning to occupy is still partially occupied by stuff that didn't get moved all the way out. So I don't want to unpack, because i'd have to move it all anyway, but I can't even get into my bed without stepping on a huge pile of shoes. Because there literally is no more room in here.

Most of that stuff is NOT that bad, but when you add it onto a huge awful rejection, it becomes like HCL in a gaping wound.

So that was my day yesterday. And whole time I'm sitting there trying to be miserable, these little inklings kept popping into my head. Like one time I sneezed, and my nose was clear, and I realized how amazingly fabulous it is to be able to breathe normally. I decided that's the entire purpose of colds. Cuz they aren't fatal or anything. Just annoying. And I decided that they are simply there to remind you how nice it is to breathe clearly.

I realize this every time, and I always make a resolution to remember it when I'm actually healthy, but I think I actually remembered like once. Maybe.

I had another interesting inkling yesterday too, but I was so annoyed by learning while I was mad that I yelled at my brain and forgot it. It was good though. I remember that much.

Now here's the real thing. I'm really very sure that I am supposed to learn something big from this whole fiasco. But I don't know what it is. And it's gonna bother me till I figure it out. Which is also obnoxious. Because here's the thing. I know for sure that turning it in was the right thing at the right time. And I also know for sure that the answer I got was going to be for the best. Believe me, I asked a LOT of times. And when I did turn it in, I didn't have the horrible stomach nausea that usually accompanies waiting for something big like this. I was surprisingly calm for 95% of the almost 10 weeks I waited. I'm sure I had a little bit of extra help with that.

But why? I mean, was it to learn that I need to suck it up and be a normal grunt worker like everyone else, and be happy with it? Or was it because I've got bigger and better things coming my way that would never happen if this small time place hired me? Or maybe it's just because I'm utterly clueless and don't know what's going on at all. *shrug* Was my stomach friendliness out of assurance or pity? Like He knew I was gonna bomb, so He did me a little favor by easing my anxiety. I'm sure part of it was assurance. But like the kind that's "whatever the answer is will be good" and not the "yes, it will happen."

So if you have any insights on this, do share. And I shall be off escaping the world through the magic of the library.

The tangent part:

It's beyond annoying to be asked

"So, you're in school right now?"

"No, I just graduated."

"Oh, in what?"

First of all, that's a long story in itself. I graduated in education, but without the teaching license. There's a long, complicated, and quite boring reason why, that I'll tell you if you actually care, but most people don't, so I don't go into detail. But because they don't know the details, there comes the inevitable lead in to work. This can start one of two ways. Either "So are you working now?" or "Are you gonna ever get your license/what do you have left to do to get the license?"

These might seem unrelated, but they always lead to the same thing in the end. How I'm not working right now, have no job prospects, and don't know what I'm doing with my life. Which in turn inevitably halts the conversation. Because they either heartily disapprove of my bum status, or feel really awkward because their small talk attempt at starting a conversation has led nowhere, and they don't know what to say next.

And I'm not exactly a conversational genius myself.

When the topic comes up in subsequent conversation, it once again leads unfailingly to one of two ends. Either another awkward and premature end to the discussion, or to a lecture. The lectures are the worst. I can't even tell you how many times I've been told by I don't know how many people that I need to hurry and get a job, because my money will run out faster than I expect, and that even working at McDonald's is better than no job at all.

It's not that I don't appreciate their concern. It's just that once you hear the same thing over and over and over, it's really hard to not interpret it as condescending. Yes, I KNOW my money will run out. I DO get that. And I KNOW that it's not about trying to get the same position you had before. But I've never been a CEO or a vice president or anything. I've never even been a supervisor for anything. I've been a fast food grunt worker my whole college career. So that's not the problem. I fully expect to be hired at entry level to whatever I end up doing.

But they wouldn't even hire me to be a crossing guard near a school. Seriously, that's just plain sad. Or a meter reader. Or a skate hander outer at seven peaks. Or any number of secretarial things. Although that didn't really surprise me. My job experience doesn't exactly scream "organized and types well". Pretty much all it does scream is "I can make a burrito supreme and wrap it in 22 seconds flat."

Reese's Pieces and Clorox wipes.

Why do I always feel like making a blog post when I have absolutely nothing to say? I haven't the foggiest. I guess I could always break the trend and just tell about my day. I don't think I've done that yet. And most people do on their blogs. *Shrug*

K, so the first thing that happened today was that I woke up at 9. Which is gross on a day when you didn't fall asleep until about 3am. And when the only reason you're waking up at 9 is because you actually have to pack your entire life into a travellable format, move it to the next complex over, lug it all up a flight of stairs, and find a way to make it fit into a tiny room.

So anyway, I got online, chatted a little bit, checked my email, etc. And then I started the serious packing. I mean, this time around I actually packed up quite a bit of the main stuff a few days earlier both from a lack of anything else to do, and from the strong desire to not become stressed through the badgering of a certain land lord's mother. So it really wasn't that bad. There wasn't as much left as I thought there was. So by about 3:30 I not only had my entire life completely packed, but I had 3/4 of it over at the new apartment already.

This is most assuredly a record for me.

I also set another record. By 6:25 pm I had every single thing over to the new apartment except for my airplane stuff for flying to VA. AND I vacuumed my room and everything. I was completely done with everything I needed to do. I've never been sitting around bored before moving out of an apartment like that before. It was a completely new experience.

To celebrate, as well as to feed myself because I had no meal stuff left, I went to the chinese place down the street and ate sweet and sour chicken, beef and broccoli, and ham fried rice. I came back expecting to just sit down and thoroughly enjoy my victory meal when the real fun started. As I started to walk into my room, I was stopped by the landlord's mother, and proceeded to get the most awkward lecture I've ever had.

I'm not even kidding. It wasn't like bad, or yelling, or whatever. It was just really awkward. Apparently since the last time I cleaned my toilet some black mold had grown around the lower rim, which was only visible when you lifted the toilet seat up. Needless to say, I never do that, so I never saw it. And I've never had black mold grow on a toilet like that before. Anyway, granny proceeded to explain to me how dangerous this particular mold is, and how this guy she saw on a show once inhaled some and it deteriorated his entire nose so he had nothing left but two holes on his face, and how she was a nurse, so she knows, and it's necessary for my health and well being to thoroughly scrub the toilet every week.

And THEN she proceeded to thoroughly explain how I'm going to move in with three other girls now, and they might not be as understanding, and if I want my roommates to like me I need to take part in cleaning, and that includes cleaning the toilet every week. And how I need to make sure that I pay attention to things like that, because there's no way my roommates will ever like me if I don't participate in cleaning.

As I sat there thinking about the dozens of roommates I've had over the seven years I've been out of high school. In fact, I may count them now. This is not counting the fact that I lived in DT my freshman year with 41 other girls sharing two bathrooms with 2 stalls and 2 showers each. (I had a single room, though.) If I'm counting correctly, which I think I am, I had 12 Pre-mission, 16 different ones on mission, living multiple times with some, and 13 post mission. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that counts as a lot of roommates. And honestly, at least 70% of them I got along really well with, and another 15% at least we co-existed quite peacefully even if we weren't tight. So I obviously have no experience with what it's like to be with roommates, especially three others at the same time. The Calamity!

But despite the severely awkward speech, I feel like I managed to keep my face quite straight. Maybe not. Apparently I don't have a poker face unless I'm playing mafia. But I don't really know. Anyway, why did I just sit like a little kid and take the weirdness? Well I shall tell you.

You see, this particular grandma is a germaphobe, control freak, OCD about cleaning type. This has many advantages. One of which is that even if I were to clean the entire apartment, she'd come around behind me and do all of it over again anyway. Therefore it serves no purpose whatsoever to do much cleaning while she's here. I vacuumed my room, and cleaned some dirty prints on the wall by my bed. And I didn't have to do anything else to prep the apartment for leaving. Nada. I offered, though, so I didn't look like a lazy bum, but they said no. Easy as that. I've never had an easier cleaning checkout. Just vacuum the floor and wipe some prints off the wall. I took some bags of trash out for good measure, but I didn't even have to do that. I just did. This constitutes Epic WIN. For me anyway.

So my legs and back are not happy with me for so much heavy lifting on precarious stairways. But at this point I've been sitting around not doing anything much besides chatting, phone calling, facebooking, emailing, and playing a lot of Age of Mythology for about 7 hours. (This pic is of a fire giant from AoM. It's my favorite soldier to make, because they're huge, strong, and they hurl fireballs at the enemy soldiers. Definitely the coolest. At least to me.) But yeah, 7 hours. And I still have 3 to go before we even have to leave for the airport. This really has never happened to me before. Definitely a first. I mean, even if I had done a bunch of cleaning, I still would have been done long before now.

So overall a pretty good day. Again, at least for me. Not so much for my poor roommies. I really just have to mention this because it was so weirdly awkward. As many of you know, the tension has been building in our apt since their grandma got here. This is for many reasons. One, granny is a control freak. Two, Michelle is severely susceptible to easy stressing out. And three, Deanna is graduating this week, packing, and moving somewhere else for the first time since she came to byu a few years ago. There are details within each category, but they're largely unnecessary to relate. You get the idea.

So basically Deanna's been irritable from stress and senioritis. Granny's been ticked at Deanna, and chewing her out a lot. Michelle's been stressed because she hates family fighting, and because both Deanna and Gran have been rude and at each other's throats. It all built up to tonight. Their gran skyped their dad and started just spewing about how much of a pill Deanna has been. Their dad was defending Deanna for two reasons. One, because he heard Deanna's side earlier. And two, because a few of the things Gran was mad at Deanna for were things that he had actually told her to tell the others to do.

They got into full out yelling and interrupting each other and everything already. But that was only the beginning. The next thing was Deanna's graduation. Apparently their sister in law and brother, and a few other people couldn't make it. So granny was gonna be left to go by herself. And she was making a royal fuss about it. How could she be expected to go and sit all alone for two hours just to watch a bunch of people march around, and blah blah blah, etc etc. This is when Deanna and Michelle's mom got in front of the camera and started explaining that this wasn't the point. It was to be there to support Deanna for graduating college. I have to just insert here that this is the first time I've 100% agreed with Deanna's mother about anything. Seriously, I mean I'm not offended if someone doesn't come to my graduation because they aren't able to make it, but not coming just because you have "a thousand and one other things I could be doing instead" and because you'd have to be there alone, and because it's two hours... that is probably the most utterly selfish thing I've ever heard a grandmother say. Grandma's just aren't supposed to be like that. At all.

Anyway, this is the point where I stealthily sneak out from the background of the camera. (Yes, I was actually in the living room, sitting on the couch when this was all happening.) Then I left and walked to 7-11 while talking to my friend Geri on the phone, and purchasing Reese's Pieces and chocolate covered raisins for the plane trip. When I came back I discovered that Michelle had tried to break up the scream fest, been screamed at, and had a sort of mini breakdown brought on by a sincere phobia of such huge family fights. She had stopped crying by then, but you could still tell she had been, even after showering.

Luckily, it seems as though me stepping out to avoid being part of a family fight somewhat dissipated the anger, because they all realized how much they were yelling and everything. I don't know how long it took to resolve, but it was done when I got back from 7-11.

So now they're painting the bedroom I recently vacated. It is now blue instead of pink. Which is much nicer. And I think they intend to finish painting, despite the fact that it is now almost 2 am. Michelle and her grandma sure don't waste time. I figured they'd do it tomorrow, but apparently not. And I am now sitting here blogging at 2 am because I'd need to wake up at like 4 anyway, and I feel like I'd be way tireder if I tried to sleep for so short a time, than if I just wait and crash on the plane. Although I may not make it to the plane. I may crash in the back seat of the car long before we reach salt lake. We'll see.

Well, despite the fact that I've got two more hours of nothing to do, I can't think of anything else to write here. I hope what I did write makes sense because I really am starting to get a bit out of it.

Wow. How appropriate. "Good Mornin'" just came on my ipod's shuffle.

Good mornin', Good mornin', to you!

One of those ones where I talk about random things

I realized one reason why dating sucks. It's always this complicated thing with stupid games, and rules that aren't uniform, and being scared, and all sorts of stuff. But those are just part of a much bigger problem.

Which is this: Girls know what shallow, hollywood, popular type guys like and want in a girl. And guys know what shallow, hollywood, popular type girls like in a guy. But no one wants those people. They may look nice, but that's the only thing a pretty face is good for. Looking. *shrug* Whatever. BUT girls don't know what normal, regular, non-idiot guys look for in girls, and vice versa. No one ever talks about it. Like ever. In every conversation I've had between guys and girls where the topic comes up, it invariable strays into joking around about hot muscles, or curves, or whatever.

I today had a conversation with 4 girls and a guy, and we discussed this very thing... how what the "world" supposedly likes in typical guys and girls. And how, since that's not what most people want, we still have no idea what to look for. Like at all. This was the first time I've ever talked to a guy and had him honestly, straight up, without shame say that he hates how typical guys just talk about hot girls and if they're pretty. And how there are so many things that are important more than that. And how he really doesn't want to be like the typical guy.

This was a most enlightening conversation, and I can only come out of it saying one thing. It's really too bad there's only one of him.

One thing he said that was extremely wise of him, and I had never thought of it this way, is this: He said that there is a big difference between "Hot" and "Beautiful". And that difference is that hot is a physical, and often temporary feature. Beautiful is entirely behavioral. And that doesn't go away. He wants Beautiful, not hot.

We also discussed how different characteristics in a person very literally changes their physical appeal. Guys who are totally jerks just don't even look handsome anymore (to girls with 1+ brain cell), even if they have normally attractive features. The same is true with guys about girls.

We talked about chivalry, and how it has nothing to do with undermining a girl's independence, but how it's just being nice. Polite. And when girls get all offended at him for opening a door, he actually feels offended and slighted back, because he was just trying to be a decent guy, and he's getting chewed out for it.

We talked about how there are some guys who spend every waking hour on their video games and then wonder why they're not married. He thinks they're retarded. Admittedly, not all girls despise video games, but most do. And the ones that don't still are only ok with it on occasion. When you play so much that gaming terms are your normal vocab, and you post screenshots of your games on facebook, and you spend more time staring at a screen than sleeping, eating, socializing, and working all rolled into one, then there is a major problem.

We talked about a lot of other things that I am quickly forgetting, because it's in the wee hours of the morning now, and I've been awake for 17 1/2 hours after not sleeping much last night. Basically the point is that the real guys, who are mature, fun, nice, and good for you, and are worth getting, actually look for very reasonable things in girls. And it's not a hot body.

Like I said, it's too bad there aren't more guys like him around.

This is a very disjointed post. I apologize profusely. But like I said, I've been awake for a while after spending a long day actually doing stuff. And I just felt like blogging. This was the first thing that came to my head. I go now to the peaceful land of dreams.

HA. My dreams... peaceful... That's a funny joke. :P But they're fun, so it's ok.

Brought to you by the letter B and the number 8

Feel free to lash out in irrational irritation and annoyance for this post, but I'm about to be extremely blunt about something that's REALLY been annoying me over the past few days.

In order to be as we should be, ie. love one another, have forgiveness, and all that stuff, it is necessary to have a compassionate understanding component in your personality make up. I do not, in any way, shape, or form claim to have perfected this component. But I do feel like I possess it in at least a reasonable degree. With people, or even just characters in books, usually something will happen that annoys me beyond belief. And then I find out the background behind said person/character, and I really just can't stay mad at them.

Just as a disclaimer, this is not to say that anyone with a tough past is excused from stupid stuff or rudeness. Which I shall get into momentarily.

But yeah, sometimes with a person, I am annoyed at them until I realize that something really crazy happened to them, and that's why they think the way they do. Or are bitter about a particular thing. Even if they keep doing annoying stuff, if they have hard things in their past that sort of shape the way they are, I really can't hate them. I usually just feel bad for them. Especially if they end up showing little soft streaks in their personalities that have always been there, but you really have to dig for them.

Now to discuss the difference between understandable rough spots in personality, and using your past as an excuse to be an utterly deplorable person. It's kind of like people who use ADD or OCD or whatever as an excuse to get out of even trying to do something. Just because you might not be as good at it as some people does NOT mean you can't do it at all. You're throwing all the responsibility off of your shoulders, and justifying your right to do anything you want because "you can't help it". This is complete rubbish. And it's the worst kind of obnoxious.

Now, on to my personal example. There is a particular lady I have been in contact with for a while now. I won't say her name, but I don't really know it anyway. I just know she's the occasional local agent for the landlord of my apartment. A few times a year she shows up to do a check up on the place and make sure everything's working and all that jazz. This is entirely normal. But DANG she's unpleasant about it.

Just yesterday she came into my room with a horribly disgusted look on her face at the state of it. Granted it was messier than even I usually have it, but it's the end of the semester, and therefore the end of the contract. I am moving all my stuff out in 6 days anyway, so cleaning and organizing seemed like a redundant endeavor, because I'm gonna have to pull everything out again once I start packing. Speaking of which, I really need to get going on that. Blah. Anyway, she came in looking absolutely horrified, to remind me of the apointment at 11:00 in the morning for a girl to come over, and that I needed to have my room cleaned. And I asked, "what girl?" And she told me, "The girl who's coming to see the room. Remember I told you about her."

First of all she did NOT tell me about her. There was no warning in the slightest that there was a specific appointment for a girl to come over and look at my room. None. At all. So needless to say I stayed up cleaning until 4:37 am. in order to avoid the inevitable lynching that would have otherwise occurred. Ugh. You do not spring a "completely clean your room by 11 am" on someone at like 6 in the evening the night before, and then pretend like you gave them all this time to work on it, and it was their own fault. And since when did they ever do that anyway? They've never organized exact times to come over. What the flagnard?

Second of all, you do not just go and examine other people's rooms, especially when they're not at home, and especially when you are only doing so in order to profess even more loudly that it is a toxic waste dump. Going into other people's private space is just creepy weird.

So that's kind of weird, right? But not unheard of, you know. There are way worse landlords than that, even if it was a pain in the royal butt. So now let me tell you a little bit about this lady. This is the background stuff that, with a normal person, would make you feel sorry for them and patiently endure their flaws.

• She's been divorced so many times that her grandkids have lost count, and she's currently starting to date yet another fellow. This is a two way sword here. Divorce is tough on people. Especially depending on the reason for it. But 6 or 7 times? That's just not even ok. On the other hand, who know's if it was HIS fault every time, you know?
• What I do know is that at least one of those divorces was a result of domestic violence. She was beaten and all sorts of crap. Which is wrong, no matter how annoying your wife might be about cleaning.
• When she was a child, she was never shown any love whatsoever unless she cleaned something to anal spotlessness. This explains her attitude about cleaning. If something isn't clean, it means to her that you don't have any concern for her feelings at all.
• Because of this way she's been raised, and the harsh treatments, she also has a really hard time with the idea that people can improve themselves. If you were a selfish brat when you were a kid, even if you mature as you become an adult, she still has that image of you as the selfish brat, and it's tough for her to change that.

Now, for the thesis here: These things explain a LOT about her personality and why she values the things she does. They also explain why she might be somewhat abrasive. They explain her lack of self confidence in many things. So yes, there are lots of unfortunate reasons for why she is the way she is, and it makes me feel bad for her. BUT... and this is a huge but... I don't care what the crap happened to you as a kid or a young newlywed, you still have your agency. And the way you treat people is entirely related to your agency. Ex. If you were beaten as a child, it is completely understandable for you to have trouble trusting others. It's normal to not be comfortable with commitment. It's acceptable to be guarded with what you say, and to test people out before trusting them. These things I understand. These things I sympathize with. But there are things that you CAN still control, and you still don't have an excuse for.

• Saying rude things to people for no reason. Grandmothers just should not tell their granddaughters that they're fat. As in "Deanna, you're getting so fat. Why don't you exercise?" Yes, that actually happened. And, Deanna is an entirely normal sized person. Not ok to say, even if you had someone say it to you. Brain filter, please.
• Getting angry at people for not doing things they didn't know they were supposed to do. There was a loose bolt on the lint tube on the back of the dryer. It made a little bit of lint stick to the wall. We got SUCH a chewing out about it. Like full out actual yelling. Like we were supposed to know that there was a loose bolt, and like it was the worst thing that could have happened. Oh darn, there's a piece of lint on the wall. *scary face*
• Assuming that everyone in the world has the same brain functions as you do. Bad idea. Because they don't.
• Forcing people through anger, threatening, and guiltifying to do what you want them to do. Being in charge of everything, and micro-managing the lives of grown adults who've lived on their own for a long time. We know how to take our shoes off at the door, and how to do our own laundry. We know that we have to leave on time for classes, and put gas in the car. And no, it is not the most crucial thing in the world to do laundry every time a sock is dirty, or to scrub the whole kitchen if you spill a few crumbs on one counter. Just because you have germaphobia doesn't mean you can threaten people into ocd-ness.

So yeah. having a hard background does not excuse you from micromanaging, rudeness, and judging others. (The bad kind of judging.) I can understand and sympathize with emotional difficulty. I can understand when it's tough to do or be certain things because of your past. But DUDE. Sometimes you are wrong. And you treat people like crap. And you need to actually try to be nice to people, even when it's hard. AND, you have to at least try to not be shallow, and think you're fat when you weigh literally 3 pounds. Or tell other people they're ugly or fat, especially when they're not even close.

Ok, I'm really done now. Meh.

Weddings and all that jazz

Weddings. One of those things that so many people do. And everyone wants theirs to be perfect. And everyone focuses completely on the WRONG part of the thing. *Facepalm*

This post is inspired by multiple people I know who are currently planning weddings, and finding it to be a heinous, stressful chore. *shakes head*

Most girls talk about their wedding long before they're even dating someone. They pick out their colors, and what kind of dresses they want, and where they want to have it, and all sorts of stuff. They talk about bridesmaids, and music, and presents, and honeymoons, and just about everything under the sun. So by the time a guy dates them and proposes, there's not much left that she hasn't thought about. You'd think this would make the actual planning much easier. But I say Nay nay.

The girls I know who are like this usually end up having their wedding day be the most stressful day of their lives. To me this would seem like kind of a step backwards. A complete annulment of the point. After all, it's supposed to be "Their Day". You know how the mom is always like "oh, honey. It's your special day!" But it's just not. It's always the bride who's the most stressed, the most tired, and the most ready to just have it be over with.

Why is this?

Like I said, people focus on the wrong part. They focus on the ceremony. The celebration. The physical stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not a bad thing to have a fancy dress, or a big reception. It's not wrong to pick out colors or bridesmaids or have a nice cake. But when those are the things you obsess over instead of the fact that you're marrying the love of your life, then THAT'S when turns the day into a nightmare.

Especially if you want everything to be perfect. Because they just aren't going to be perfect. Nothing ever is. And sometimes it's the imperfect parts that make it the most memorable or fun.... Unless you get wedding OCD and stress and cry and freak out that it didn't go your way. Then it just stays as a bad memory instead of a hilarious story for later.

The important part to focus on is not the actual wedding event. It is what the wedding is all about. You're getting married to your best friend. You're about to promise each other lots of important things. You're about to change the whole rest of your life for the awesome. But people lose sight of that way too easily.

Now that I've said that, I just want to make a little note. I fully intend to have FUN on my wedding day. Seriously. I also fully intend to plan my reception and everything the exact same way I planned my last birthday party. We're gonna have a cake, and some icecream, and a truckload of chips and dip. Put them on the table, play some music, and say "Let's party!" Ok, my reception's planned.

You think I'm kidding. You think, "well, just wait till it actually happens. Things will be different." Oh really? Give me your address and I'll send you an invite whenever in the future this happens. Because I am SO not kidding. I don't even care if there's streamers or balloons or anything. Cake, people, and a fabulous new husband are all I care about. I intend to look back on my wedding day and say "well, that was fun, let's do it again!" (not the marriage part, obviously, but the party). I refuse to have a day where I have to look back and say "glad that's over".

PS. This pic is pretty much the coolest wedding cake I've ever seen. And yes, it is actually cake. AWESOME.

That is all.

For real short. I promise.

This pic is to help jog mysterious, imaginative response to this post.

So I've been really cracking the whip on some people during my last several posts, and I decided it was time for a happier one. Plus I've really been wondering this anyway. This one requires reader participation. As in I command you to reply either on here, or on my facebook. :) It's sort of like a discussion prompt.

Questions: What parts of a really good book catch you the most? Like when you read one you absolutely can't put down, what is it that keeps you there? What things make you stop reading? What pet peeves do you have when reading certain things? What's the thing that most makes you pick up a book in the first place?

I had a whole list of things you could think about while answering, but I accidentally deleted them. I will still make a list, but it's likely to be shorter. Sorry.

Plot, genre, plot twists, romance, magic, technology, creatures, kings, princesses, warriors, cars, locations, characters, character development, choices, morals, themes, symbolism, action, suspense, chapter division, writing style, connections, vocabulary, emotion, originality, pictures, back of the book summaries, titles, details, etc.

Like I said, short and to the point. Please comment. :)

To believe Tiger, or not to believe Tiger... dude, not even a question.

Ugh. I normally don't care about or follow Hollywood gossip. I usually don't even know what people are talking about when they mention it. But there are some things that get around, despite those who resist.

That thing today is the crap with Tiger Woods and Jesse James. Addiction my butt.

Lot's of people are unsure whether or not to believe these guys, and their apologies. I submit to you two reasons why I don't, and why I think they're full of crap.

1: It happened so many times. Especially with Jesse James. If someone keeps screwing up, and keeps doing such retarded things, there's a pretty good chance they are NOT sorry. Just sorry they got caught. I mean, really... how many times was he divorced? Because of cheating? Seriously, Sandra... you're cooler than that. Find a guy who deserves you. And as far as Tiger... well, this might be the first time he got caught, but that doesn't really lessen my point. If a guy honestly loves his wife, honestly makes a mistake, and is honestly sorry about it, not only are they not gonna make a public whatsit about it, but they won't be able to just continuously dig up time after time after time of these "mistakes". This ties directly in to the other point I'm gonna make. But yeah, if he cared more about his wife, and less about golf or the public eye, he'd take it up with her, not with the stupid paparazzi.

2: I hope people do realize that it's a whole heck of a lot harder to have a "sex addiction" if you aren't going out and spending alone time in secret places with other girls/guys in the first place.

THAT part was 100% their own fault. No one tied them up, took them to a sleezy hotel, and forced them onto someone else. Saying you can't help it is like saying you can't control where your legs walked you to, and what your arms did with your credit card. Or it's like saying that you have a disease that contracts and releases your leg muscles in such a way that you walk straight to certain places of ill repute, and only those places while the disease is kicking in. Jeez, even if that was true, you could still leave again once you got there. *groan* Unless you're like magneted to a place by some freaky supernatural force, you've got to be looking for trouble to go out to those places at all.

If you're trying to quit smoking, you don't hang out in places with open cigarette packs laying around. Recipe for disaster and stupidity on your part. And you don't drive to the store, go to the counter, and ask for your favorite brand, and THEN try to say no. You get out of there. Clear all the temptations from your house. Don't buy some "just in case". You just gotta get it away from you. Same deal with these buttheads. They're driving to the store, picking up the pack, and sticking the cigarette in their mouth while holding a lighter, and then saying that it wasn't their fault that they lit it. It makes me have the desire to pound my head against a cinderblock.

Now, there are things that are harder and harder to say no to, once you've said yes a few times. Drugs. Prostitutes. Etc. But you have to say yes the first time for it to ever develop into such a bad habit. Take alcoholism... there is a gene that predisposes people to become dependent on alcohol a lot faster than normal. BUT you have to take that first drink in order to ever have the problem start. SO, yes it's tough to say no to a situation with someone once you're there and she/he is seducing you, but it's not that hard to just not go to the hotel, or the sleazy streetcorner the first time. *EPIC facepalm*

That's why these guys are super retarded. They aren't taking responsibility for decisions that were clearly conscious. Even if you can convince people that you aren't responsible for your insatiable lust, you can't with any plausibility try to say that you aren't responsible for where you drive, where you spend the night, and who you choose to spend alone time with. Gag me.

Are you open minded, or just a liberal? (hahaha, jk. That got your attention didn't it? Mission accomplished.)

This might be the weirdest and shortest post I put up, but I just had to make a statement about something.

Many of the more liberal people have a whole "being open minded" mantra. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. But practice what you preach, dang it!

Assuming that everyone who is religious automatically believes completely retarded stuff about evolution(what you're doing) is, in fact, being more close minded than brushing evolution away without a second glance (what you assume that we do). As is automatically assuming that anyone who makes a negative statement about evolution is automatically doing it in the name of religion. That picture didn't mention church at all, dorkos. That is all. (for reference to pic, see: http://api.ning.com/files/apWTBFO-cybkn7Hd2ZaGb4mwP0gGOttc7NIHwIWHIakOoU47V5S3nY8LssdFUinlBXFJo-iqo*4-hB8-5MXUnFLb1ocwJpXw/facepalm_religion.jpg)

Yes some people are stupid. No, it has no correlation at all with their religious affiliation. I facepalm about YOU.

Now that I'm here, though, perhaps this won't be quite AS short... because I have something else to say. What is open-mindedness anyway? Some may tell you that it means being accepting of all things, despite everyone's differences.

That would be WRONG.

Accepting all differences as ok, no matter what they are, is pretty much on the same playing field with being a complete racist, sexist, bigot. Here's why:

It takes no brain power to be your kind of open minded.

The true definition of the positive kind of open mindedness that we should all strive for has so much more to do with exercising your braincells, and less to do with what political, religious, or social affiliations you have.

To use an extremely controversial topic for illustration, being gay.

Most people will either tell you, or believe when they hear others tell them, that if you are for Gay Rights you're open minded, and if you're against them, you're closed minded. Not only does this issue have so much more gray area than that, BUT once again that's not using your brain. That's mindlessly following what people tell you, just like a lemming. Are you a lemming? What would truly define you as being open minded would be to look at the issue at hand. Look at BOTH sides of the issue. Research. Study. Pray, if you're religious. Work it out in your mind. Weigh all the options. Make a decision. And then stand by your decision. (Believing people should be able to run around willy nilly, doing whatever they want, whether you think it's right or not, is the same thing as not having gone through this process at all. Congratulations: You just wasted a whole truckload of your own time.)

If you follow this process like you should, your status as an open minded person is not in the least affected by whether you believe being gay is ok, or it isn't. Makes no difference. It doesn't matter what side you take on the issue, as long as you've honestly, and realistically tried to make a rational decision about it. THIS is what it means to be open minded. Being willing to look at both sides. Being willing to consider the possibility that something you are told might or might not be true and ok. And then acting on that realization to find your answers. (Questioning everything without actually trying to resolve your questions is pretty much just as stupid, and usually ends up making people very bitter.)

There are things in life where, if people use their brain cells to any extent at all, they will all arrive to the same conclusion. Murder, for example. The vast majority of humanity using their heads will agree that it is NOT ok to just go around shooting people for fun, or stabbing them because you were mad, or any of that stuff. But because we are against something, does that make us closed minded? Does that mean that to be truly open minded, we have to embrace a murderer's decisions to disagree with the rest of us? Absolutely freaking not. Because we've all thought about it. We've all looked at both sides. And we've all realized that this is an issue that is not ok.

Sadly, most everything else in life is not so clear cut. Take all the most controversial issues in government today. Abortion. Gay marriage. Guns. The military. Affirmative action. Big vs. small government. Foreign relations. The list goes on and on and on and on and on. In most of these issues, the opinion is split pretty much right down the middle.

Lots of people will tell you, liberals most especially, that if you choose one opinion on the scale (usually the FOR option), you're open minded, and if you choose the other, you're a closed minded bigot. And I don't say that to pick on liberals. It's a verifiable fact that more liberals use this argument than conservatives. That's just how it is. Hence the term "liberal". As in running free, hippie, it's my life- I'll live how I want. Hey, that's just where the term comes from. Chill.

Anyway, lots of people tell you this. These people are the most closed minded of all. Because they aren't really believing IN anything. They aren't using their intellect to make reasonable decisions. They're just trying to catch everything, to please everyone, and to create a world where they don't have to be responsible for anything. RE-Tarded.

There are open minded people in both opinion groups. There are closed minded people in both opinion groups. Being intellectual or smart, and being wise are two completely different things. I was taught that a LONG time ago. Closed minded people try to be all smart. Open minded people realize they have to be more wise. Let us be wise.

Just as a side note, I want to reiterate the common phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin", applicable, of course, even to things not dealing with sin or whatever. Love the enemy, hate the actions or the issues. Being open minded also includes having decent respect for people, even when you don't believe like they do. I think this is the part that really confuses those who are less wise into thinking they have to agree with everything. NO. You have to stand up for what's right. You have to fight for fair, just, correct principles. But you do not ever have the right to do it by hating someone, persecuting them, yelling rudely, being violent... etc.

So yeah, back to the picture that started this whole thing. I'm not like offended, or angry, or whatever that they got their facts wrong. But I am shaking my head in disbelief that people who are so intent on being smart and learning, and being open minded have in reality sealed themselves into a stereotype box about others, just like they supposedly preach against.

You're not really using your brains there, dopey. You're using your pride and desire to be right. And that ALWAYS ends badly. People like that ALWAYS end up just looking stupid. No credibility, mate. If you care enough about your cause, and you honestly want people to follow you and listen to your teachings, you gotta do your research and think.

Ok, I'm starting to get into rambling mode. (The mode in which I feel like I did such a substandard job of explaining that I need to go back over it again, just to marginalize any misunderstandings. But I'm trusting that you aren't stupid, and I shall leave it as is.)

Politics in church meetings... um, why?

Ah, here we go again. Yet another highly controversial blog post. And at the same time, yet another post in which I absolutely stand by everything I say. This is what happened to me today:

Lot's of my facebook friends post random political and religious articles online, and because of my abundance of free time, I actually read a lot of them, even if they're boring. Today i read a post called radical retention. It deals mainly with becoming more open minded to the fact that different people have different political beliefs, and that many people feel alienated in our church because they feel as though they will be shunned for expression the aforementioned beliefs. (see here for article: http://mormonmatters.org/2010/04/02/radical-retention/#comments)

For those of you who don't feel up to reading the article, these are the main points that were made either in the article itself, or in the comments to it (some of which I agree with, and some I don't):

• Active members of the LDS faith have an extremely strong majority slant toward having conservative political views.
• Because of this slant, lots of more liberal members feel shunned, oppressed, or unable to say anything.
• It is important to work from within, and try to shift these statistics toward a more evenly divided populous.
• One way to do this is to not sit idly by in church meetings and allow conservative comments to go uncontested.
• Another way to do this is to join groups and blog discussions about ways to make important changes in the church.
• Conservative politics are passing as doctrine.
• People are leaving the church based on their differing political views.
• The church will change naturally from outward social pressures, but only if we actively work to change it from within.
• Calling certain issues (like abortion or gay rights) "moral" issues is a double standard.

While I 100% agree that sometimes as a mormon culture, we tend to forget some of the basic doctrines as loving one another, condemning the sin, not the sinner, charity, service, etc., and while I also agree that as a people we really need to try to change this problem, I did not at all agree with the direction the article went as to how. Therefore I'll copy and paste my reply to this post under the sections it fits, as well as elaborating a little.

• Active members of the LDS faith have an extremely strong majority slant toward having conservative political views.

True. That's just a statistical thing, not a doctrine thing. But I fail to see how this really matters. Everyone is encouraged to do their own thing politically, and it just so happens that most people choose conservativism. Big deal.

• Because of this slant, lots of more liberal members feel shunned, oppressed, or unable to say anything.

Also true, but this, again, is not a doctrinal issue, but a matter of personal failings and foibles.

"To be honest, I have absolutely no problem with people within the church having different political views. When it comes to big vs. small government, or economy, or all that stuff, it's seriously just a personal preference matter. It doesn't matter to me what party you identify with regarding this."

This is what people theoretically believe, but it's always easier said than done. Like I said, though, this is a case of imperfect people in a perfect church, not the other way around. We need to work on the basics. Love, charity, service, etc. Those ARE doctrines, and we just need to be better at following them.

• It is important to work from within, and try to shift these statistics toward a more evenly divided populous.

Um, why is it important? As I said a few times already, I don't see the correlation between the religion's saving power, and the political statistics.

"Yeah, I agree that we should be more open minded about having differing views. That is entirely true. But I don't think it's really that important to do it by shifting the statistics, or changing our being generally more conservative. I think we need to just do it by trying to help people really understand the love one another part of the gospel. Getting up and delivering political comments in church isn't gonna do that."

• One way to do this is to not sit idly by in church meetings and allow conservative comments to go uncontested.

"What I disagree with is turning church into a forum for expressing your differing views. Yeah, I know other people do it too, but that doesn't make it ok. People aren't perfect, and so it's going to happen. I know this. But I very much disagree with actively encouraging people to make political comments in church meetings. I don't honestly care whether or not you agree with whoever else commented, politically, that's not an excuse to keep the wheel rolling by adding your two cents worth. You should be the bigger man, and instead of getting riled up, just realize that sometimes people say stuff that they don't need to be worrying about in church. Because no one should be advocating political agendas in sunday school. That's the entire reason that the church hasn't come out and said everyone should be this or that. Because it's got absolutely nothing to do with doctrine.

Doctrine is the important thing in church. What's eternally true is a whole different realm, and that's what we should be talking about. And just as a side note, I have to say a little bit of a "duh!" here. The things that we believe in as church members regarding true things, (doctrinally true things) make us by nature more conservative that some people. No matter how liberal your political views are, if you believe the stuff that the prophets tell us that is important, and isn't up for "interpretation", you're always gonna be just that much more conservative than any other radical liberal, whether you like it or not. It's a completely normal thing, and not something to be stressed out about with statistics. "

• Another way to do this is to join groups and blog discussions about ways to make important changes in the church.

I actually do agree here. If you really feel like you have something to say, go out and start a blog, or join a group. Talk. Discuss. This is good. The only thing I would say is be careful about distinguishing between making changes in the church, and in the people of the church. It's God's church. You don't want to be messing with his architecture, or it's gonna crumble flat, just like the meridian church.

• Conservative politics are passing as doctrine.

Yeah, sometimes they do with certain people, but not as a churchwide actual official doctrine. Sometimes you have to actually use your brain to figure out which is which, instead of just being a lemming. God gave us brains so that we may use them.

But whether they do or don't, I still really don't like using sunday school as a platform for political agendas.

(see bullet 2 above this one)

• People are leaving the church based on their differing political views.

Um, I'm sorry? I don't know what else to say about this, because leaving the church is a highly personal thing. Many people have different reasons for doing so. However, it pretty much entirely comes down to no longer believing or understanding the truthfullness. Someone who really knows and understands the doctrine, the importance of the doctrine, and the truth of the doctrine is not going to throw away their eternal salvation just because the other people in church vote differently than they do. It might be tough, yeah. It's hard to be a minority, especially in a place where the people are SO not perfect. But if you're wussy enough to throw celestial exaltation out the window just to go hang out with more people who are in the same political party as you, that's your own fault. Anyone who ever leaves the church has the choice to or not to. Sometimes it's hard to keep believing. Sometimes people are rude. Sometimes you feel alone or different. But if you really know it's true, then the rest of it doesn't matter. And there will never, ever be a situation where you don't have the choices to make that lead you away. It's your choice.

Ever wonder why there are so many more bad things happening in the world to good people? Part of the reason: agency. Some people make bad choices. Those bad choices affect other people negatively. BUT God puts such a high importance on the ability to make those choices, that he protects that ability, even at the cost of negative things happening in the world.

If God protects agency THAT much, do you think He's actually going to let you NOT get salvation unless you CHOOSE that path? Not so much.

• The church will change naturally from outward social pressures, but only if we actively work to change it from within.

I can't think of a single time when the Church changed because of social pressure. It might seem that way sometimes, because of God's timing, but it most definitely isn't.

"Now, as for "interpretations", the church isn't like the government. There are a few things that you can see from that light... interpreting it differently than someone else, but there are things in the church that aren't up for interpretation. That's just how it is. God doesn't bend his rules just because the rest of the world does. The more liberal the world gets, the more conservative our church is gonna seem. Not because it isn't just, or isn't up with the times, but simply because it DOESN'T change on so many issues, when everyone else does. That's what makes it true. The fact that it isn't bendable. "

I was made aware by a successive comment that I make it sound like we don't believe in the open cannon or the continuing revelation. We most certainly do. So I added a clarifying statement to my post that goes like this.

"Hahaha. Thanks JMB275. I didn’t realize I was making it sound so static and everything. No you’re on the ball there. We do have an open cannon and continuing revelation. Some things do change.

You are also right as far as freedom. I didn’t intend to make it sound like anyone has the right to force someone else believe what they do. It’s the same problem our world has with the freedom of speech. You can say anything you want to unless I don’t agree with it. Then you need to shut up. Haha. One of those human nature things that we need to get over.

I think I was just trying to emphasize that some of the stuff that man thinks should change is not going to change God’s mind just because it’s politically appropriate. For an obvious example, thou shalt not commit adultery. As much as it’s implied that things like that aren’t so bad now a days, it’s always gonna be wrong. And God is never gonna say, “Alright, now it’s ok to cheat on your wife.” That kind of consistency is what I meant by the things that don’t change are partly what make the church true. There’s no interpretation of that commandment that will ever get around the fact that it’s wrong, no matter what you say to yourself to make yourself feel better about it. It is what it is.

That’s a no-brainer example, but the application is still relevant to loads of other situations. Some things are changed by God for our good, and some things are constant no matter what the people think. And we’re often surprised about which is which. Now, you may be right. I could be totally thrown for a loop with some of the things that end up being ok after all. But it’s still ultimately God’s decision. If something like that happens, I’ll be more than willing to realize my expectations were wrong."

That's what I meant. God knows what He's doing. And I emphasize my words "on so many things" in that first section. I never did actually say everything, but cest la vie. Clarification is fine.

• Calling certain issues (like abortion or gay rights) "moral" issues is a double standard.

Wow. That's just weird to me. Because whether you like it or not, there are issues that are both moral and political. That is why, in my opinion, so many people in our church DO slant conservative. Sometimes they're moral rights we need to be FOR and sometimes we need to be AGAINST. Depends on what they are. But if you'll notice, every single thing that the church has ever taken a political stance on has been in relation to a "moral" issue.

"See the thing with stuff like prop 8 and all that is that it isn't an arbitrary "what kind of government do the people want" kind of issue. The proposition itself wasn't about "should gay people have rights". It was about "What is the definition of family". While it's true that defining family in a particular way can have some political repercussions, it's by far the lesser of two evils, and that's why the church (which it rarely ever does) actually took a stand on it this time. Because there are some doctrines like the doctrine of the family that are SO important to our eternal salvation that we can't afford to let it get crushed under the political bandwagons. There's a reason why there have been so many statements issued, like the proclamation on the family. It's too important to ignore. When the members of the church backed prop 8, it wasn't in the spirit of condemning those who profess to be gay. It was in the spirit of protecting one of the most important definitions in the world: what is family.

If you look at it, everything else in the political world that the church HAS taken a stand on has been something like this. A situation where it wasn't about a law, or civil rights, but standing up for an eternally true doctrine.

You may think that the whole priesthood with black people might be a contradiction to this. But it really isn't. You see it wasn't a matter of the people in the church fighting to keep black members suppressed. And it wasn't a matter of resisting healthy political change. See, clear back when Joseph Smith was still around, he treated black people as his equals, and slavery hadn't even been close to being abolished. It has never been a matter of regarding them as lesser people. Granted, I don't know the answer to the reasons why. I have no idea what God was doing when he made them wait until more than 100 years later to receive the fullness of priesthood blessings. I'm not even gonna guess, because I'll probably be wrong and just spark some kind of heated, hate-filled argument on it. But I have no qualms with simply realizing that He had his reasons, and it's not really necessary for me to know what they are right now. If they become necessary, He'll tell me. "

Those are the answers to those main points. Here's the rest of the post, in case you actually care.

"And that isn't the same thing as blind faith, just fyi. Blind faith is being asked to go and do stuff, and believe stuff without having a reason to. Blind faith would just be believing a doctrine because you feel like you're supposed to. God doesn't ask us to be blind. He WANTS us to question things. We are supposed to look at a doctrine, think and ponder about it, and question Him. Ask Him if it's true, and then He can say yes or no. When He says yes, it's not blind anymore. Because He has confirmed to our individual souls that something is true, even if we still don't understand all the different parts of it.

This has political applications as well, in terms of deciding what's interpretable, and what isn't. Pray and get answers. Some people don't appreciate that catch all answer, especially when speaking politically, but it's one of those universal, unchanging truths, and no matter what the topic is, you can talk to God and ask Him anything. But only if you actually want answers. Sometimes people craft their questions or pray without planning to act on whatever it is, and He isn't gonna get tangled up in your webs of intrigue. Just be for real, and you'll get for real answers. That's all.

So yeah, sorry that turned into a whole lot longer of a spiel than I planned. But I stand by everything I said. I really do think it's honestly ok to believe lots of different political things. And I really do think that people SHOULD be more open minded about what other people believe, regarding differing political views, different cultures, or even other religions. We need to love more and argue less. But the venue for debate and political opinion is NOT in church meetings. Nor is it actually important and crucial to shift the statistics of the church. And just be careful about what's interpretable and what isn't. :)"

After further discussion, I realized that many of the people who are treating God's church like a government are doing so because they A: don't really believe it to be God's true and living church, or B: they don't understand what it means to be God's true church.

The reason I am so very against political upheaval within the church organization is for the simple fact that it is NOT a thing of man, but of God. Almost all of the arguments against my post dealt with this fact. That I was calling it the "true" church. I had lots of comments such as "That's why we have to be careful about truth statements, we may not be right" and "what exactly do you mean by 'the true church'". My answer:

"Yossarian, I’ll tell you what I mean by “The true church”. I mean “It’s the true church of Jesus Christ, restored on the earth through a prophet of God.” I hope that clarifies things for you.

I’m not ashamed of declaring what I know. I’m not gonna back down like some of the people on this blog. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but it’s true. Being all wishy washy about stating the trueness of the church either means that you don’t really believe it, or that you have no spine. Making so many comments about “well, other people believe the same thing about their church” or “what do you mean by true” or “we should be careful about truth claims, we might not be right” are nothing more than indecisive banter."

To that I add that you either believe this church is true, or you don't. There really is no middle ground. If you don't, why the heck do you care about changing it's political structure? If you do, then how can you possibly think that we, as mortal humans, can do anything to change God's mind about HIS church and HIS rules?

I can't think of anything else to add to that. I hope this all made sense. Peace out.