The Surface of the Sun: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Today I learned that I am officially retarded.

This may not come as a surprise to most of you. In fact, you're probably saying, "Wait, I thought we were going to learn something new and interesting." or maybe even "and this is new because?"And there's at least one person who is thinking, "mmmm, donuts." (Statistics are on my side with this one.)

How did I come to this startling realization? Well, I was chatting on facebook with Jackie. We were talking about a Very Merry Muppet Christmas, which always makes me chuckle and you should all see it. I was just in the midst of telling her how it was basically the Muppet version of It's a Wonderful Life, when my computer just shut down completely on me.

This happens occasionally, but usually it's just because I've been holding it weird. Weird meaning so the base is vertical and the screen is flat. This time I was not doing that, and I was confused. The confusion quickly morphed into concern when I pushed the power button and nothing happened.

I pushed the power button again. And again. And again. It may come as a shock to you, but nothing kept happening. This is where concern turned to slight panic. After all, if you're having trouble putting a box in your car, you can try turning it different ways, sticking it through different doors, opening the trunk and sliding it in through the back, or even stealing your friend's pick-up while they're in taking a five hour final exam.

If you can't figure out a microwave, you can keep trying different combinations of buttons till you make it work. The same with these space phones that have WAY too many things on them. Lots of buttons, lots of choices.

You can't really do that with a computer. If it doesn't turn on when you push the power button, you've basically exhausted your ability to do anything about it. So I pushed the power button for different lengths of time. I hit it rapidly. I held it down. I tried ctrl-alt-del, even though it was off.

It didn't work.

I tried taking the battery out and putting it back in.

Nothing.

I made sure the power cord was plugged in and hit the power button a few more times.

Nothing.

I even unscrewed the different panels on the bottom of my computer and dusted off my vent.

Nothing. Though in this case, I didn't actually do anything. I don't think that playing with the circuit board would have helped me in any way whatsoever.

Finally I was picking up the phone to text my friend Kyle, who's the resident computer guru. I hesitated, because it was after 11, and he usually works way early in the AM.

I tried hitting the power button about 20 more times, getting more worried with each one.

The cord was plugged in. The power strip was on. The battery had been removed at least three times.

(Hey, that works on phones.)

I picked up the phone again, thinking of how I would start this conversation.

"Hey, sorry it's late for you, but my computer turned off, and won't turn back on."

Is it succinct? Yes. Does it make me sound like a 90 year old who can't remember what a mouse is? Also a yes.

"Hi. Um, so my computer just randomly shut down on me, and the power button is doing nothing."

No, too much pressure. If he's already asleep, I don't want him to feel like he has to wake up and answer me this instant.

"Sorry it's getting late. You can answer in the morning if you want. But I'm having some computer trouble. Mainly, that the computer won't turn on at all."

Good, except I want him to answer me this instant.

I had almost decided on something like, "So, what happens if the power button breaks on a computer?" or "Is there a way to turn on a computer without the power button?"

Again, I hesitated. I set the phone down, and wondered if it would really be that bad if I just left the computer off until morning, and then I could ask someone, and they could help me, and nothing would be awkward.

Um, yeah, that's not gonna work for me. My movie ends in about ten minutes, and then what?

My hand was reaching out for the phone again, when I looked down at the floor. I saw this: