Catch 22

I wanted to put some pics up, but I didn't. Sorry. But you'll live. I'll make up for it next time.

Sometimes there are things that you just can't do anything about. And it's really obnoxious. One of those things is waiting for someone else to do something for you. Like when you say, "Oh, I need that picture, email it to me." And they tell you they will. Most of the time they never do. This drives me crazy. I mean, I forget stuff too, but I can only think of one time where I really spaced something bad. IE meeting someone on campus to exchange each others things that we had. I didn't even go. Because I forgot. But it was a one time thing. Usually I do what I say I'm gonna do, even if my timing isn't always the same as yours. Like dishes. If I say I'll wash my pan, then I will. Just because I don't stand up and go do it as I'm telling you I will doesn't mean that it won't happen. But I do understand why people think that way. Because I don't trust people to ever do what they say either. Not anymore. Because they never do. And it's a sad thing.

Another example: waiting for responses in the mail for something. Jobs, college apps, scholarships, letters from your best friend who's in another country, etc. I am currently doing this. Waiting for a company to reply to me. There's still three weeks and 6 days before I can reasonably expect anything, though. And I made a promise to not complain so much about it while I'm just sitting here in limbo. I hate waiting. But I won't elaborate.

There's another of life's little ironies that's bothering me more, now, than having large portions of my life dedicated to trusting people to do what they're supposed to do. People have been discussing this since the beginning. There seems to be two general trains of thought here. One, if I'm not gorgeous, rich, and famous, I'm not worth anything. Two, it's what's on the inside that counts. 95% of people claim to believe in the second one. But believing in something theoretically, and believing in it for real are two different things.

If everyone who claimed to believe that looks don't matter actually did believe it, there would be no market for stupid crap like $600 dollar shoes, and $1,200 suits, and $5,000 dollar dresses. Things like Gucci, and Vera Wang, and whatever that company is with the initials (it's like D & B or D & G or something. I dunno) wouldn't exist. Some stuff like Nike or Reebok might still be around because of actual product quality, but they wouldn't be price-jacked for the mere reason that they are a name brand. Actors in movies would get paid much more normal salaries for doing what they do. Teachers would actually get paid more what they deserve to get. Half the lawyers around wouldn't even be necessary. Politicians would actually be trustworthy (can you even picture that?) The list goes on, and on, and on with the things that would be different if all people actually believed what they claim to.

But the world isn't like that. Which is a sad thing. But if you really do believe that looks don't make a person, and that the inside is much more important, why should you care? Who actually bothers with caring about other people spending $1,000 on a shirt? You may think that I don't really believe that for the simple reason that I'm even talking about it. But here's the catch. The irony that makes a lot of things in life so much harder than they really need to be.

As completely true as that statement may be, the mere fact that so many people don't really believe it like they say makes it so that those who do still have to cater to those who don't.

What does that even mean? It means that when there's someone like me, who fits none of the conventional standards of being "beautiful" or "socially in", I can't get as far in life as someone who does. Even if it's stupid. It means that even though having Gucci shoes does not in any way change your personality or work ethic, you are more likely to get hired because you fit the convention. You "look nicer". It means that even though you're a guy who might make someone an amazing husband, if you don't try to look like all the other guys, and dress like all the other guys, no one will notice you.

Yes it's true that as you get to know someone, your perspectives about them change drastically. Once you get to really know someone, they even physically look different. It really happens, and it's proof that it is true about what's inside. It does matter way more. It is also true that people who don't bother with all of that lame-ness are generally happier in life. So worldly advancement isn't everything anyway. BUT how do you even get someone to try to get to know you that well, if you don't first fit all of the stereotypical attractive guy or girl qualities? Or how do you get enough of a job in the whole worldly advancement to support your family? Seriously, it's obnoxious.

And because of this problem, I see many of my friends who are the most amazing people I know, settle for the first guy who dated them, simply because they feel like it's the best they can get. Or maybe the best they deserve. Which is not true. Sometimes this is fine. Sometimes they're lucky, and the first guy who dated them just happened to be a one in a million guy. But it sometimes it doesn't, and now they're stuck with some lazy slob who won't even put the toilet seat down because "I actually work hard all day." Yeah, as opposed to, I don't know, raising a kid! Yeah, that's not hard at all. Ugh. People like that are reason number one for why I should never own a baseball bat. Because I would be WAY too tempted to use it. On their skulls.

I don't remember the exact quote, but someone said basically that every single person out there has the hope for that perfect person. But it should be more than hope. Every person has the RIGHT to be with someone who will treat them like they deserve, love them like they deserve, and have all of the same values and standards. It's a right, not just a fleeting hope.

But back to business. Why do I care about all this? Well, for one, if a friend of mine gets screwed over, it kind of makes me mad. And I dwell on it unhealthily often. (I'm gonna be a terrible mother in law some day. *shakes head* ) But also because it happens to me. Often. See, there's really only so much I have the ability to do, to make myself look presentable and business-like. I can put on my nicest clothes. And I can shower, and brush my hair. And I can give all the right answers at the interview. But the simple facts are that sometimes that just isn't enough.

Because I literally have no hair skills. It takes me seriously an hour to get my own hair into a braid that isn't falling apart or crooked. And even then it's iffy. It's not that I don't know how to do it. I just don't have the coordination and vision it takes to make my own hair actually look ok. Even when it's just down. Can't do it. Hence my constant ponytail. And I very rarely have someone around who can just do my hair for me often enough to matter. Very rarely. So I'm pretty much screwed there.

And then there's clothes. I can get proper, nice, even expensive (but usually not) clothes. I can wear them, and try to have good posture, and I can be all fancied up. But no matter what I wear, I still will never, ever look like the stereotype. I'd have to lose like 75 pounds and grow a few inches to even come close. And let's face it, that ain't happening. I have no control over most of those physical attributes. But in a job interview, I get judged on them anyway. So I'm screwed there too. People say I have to try harder to look nice, or try harder to be professional. This is true sometimes, but at others, there isn't anything I can do about it. But people always look down at me thinking I just don't try. I'm sorry that I fail at life-according-to-you.

Then there's stuff I do have control over, but refuse to change. For example, standards, beliefs, or even just generic personality (Meaning what sorts of things I find funny, or my taste in food, or whatever.) There are things that the rest of the world would have me change because it's "In" or "out". They even want to control what music I think is good, or what mode of transportation I use. And that's just plain out retarded. I'm gonna listen to music I think is actually well written music, even if it is 30 or 40 years old. I'm gonna drive in my honda civic if I want to. I seriously don't care about stupid limos. Like honestly. And because I won't change stuff like that, I get judged on it too. And then I'm screwed over again.

There really aren't very many venues for honest self anymore, despite the fact that SOOO many people claim there are. Supposedly it's like the cool thing to claim. Even the people who are all like "gotta be myself." or "that's just me" or trying to be all rebel... did you ever notice that they're all exactly the same as each other? Yeah, epic FAIL.

And so doing my best seems to count for less and less. And even though I still do honestly believe that what's inside me is a whole lot cooler than the outside (Hahaha, it would have to be) I can't show it to anyone without getting past their initial hottness/social in-ness barrier first, however small it may be.

This basically sucks. And it annoys me. I mean it would at least be a step better if people weren't so fake about it. When all the hollywood stars stand up and tell about how they think it's so important to be yourself, and look inside people, I sometimes want to gag. Full out dry heaves. Because a couple of them believe it. But most are just saying lines to look good, which is like the epitome of hypocrisy. And you can almost always tell which is which, unless you have like a -40 IQ. Just get up and say, I want you to like me, and so I'm trying to be hot and awesome and famous. I would respect them a tiny, tiny bit more if they were honest about it.

I've gotta head out soon. So I'm gonna wrap this up. Basically, I just want to say that I have no problem with who I am on the inside. And because I know that, I can say I really do believe that insides count more than outsides. Especially because sometimes when I meet someone who's really a jerk, they start to look ugly to me. No joke. Physical stuff changes in situations like that. Weird, but true. So yeah, there are things I'd like to do better about my inner self. But, mostly I'm pretty cool with it.

I really just wish other people could see the inner self over the somewhat less than super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot exterior. It kinda makes me sad that so many people don't. Hence the blog post. But no worries. "I'm holding on for a hero." There will be no idiot husbands in my future. :P