Why do I have more personality over IM and email than in person?

Because I'm a wussbaby. No, really. Social situations with too many people, even when I know the people, cause me to freak out a little bit. Or a lot'o bit. Especially when they're huge. Like the festival of colors. Cool and everything but I've never been to one. For one, because I've never been invited with any group, but also partly because being in a crowd of that many people makes me totally claustrophobic. *shudders* My guts twist up and I can't enjoy myself, because I'm too busy trying to not be awkwardly scared.

To those of you who keep trying to get me to go to big parties and stuff, but I don't usually come, this is a lot of the reason why. At least when I know the people I will sometimes show, and sometimes it works out ok. But things where I really don't know anyone, not so much. You people are all so social, and even if you claim that you'll stick with me and not let me disappear into the background all alone, it never happens. And I don't blame you for it. I wouldn't want me tagging along like a little lost puppy either.

I'm getting better, though. In my current ward I'm not too bad at all. I still chill in the smaller groups and kinda hang around the edges, but I've once or twice gotten brave enough to just walk up to a group of people and start talking to them. It's really hard for me to do that, but I'm working on it one situation at a time.

But, contrary to what you may think if you only know me from these fearful encounters, I do have a personality. It's not as funny as my sister's or as clever as my friend's, or as eloquent as I wish I could be, but it exists nevertheless. It might be a sad and pitiful thing that you can only get a full glimpse of it over something electronic like a blog, or facebook. At least unless we happen to hang out one on one. Then it starts to show. But at least these things exist.

You see, before these internet based things got really big, there were very few people who got to see the inner me. And most of them saw it at girl's camp, which needless to say is not the best place for taking anyone seriously. ;) But I'm not really meant to be taken seriously. I feel sort of like my job in life is to be the plucky comic relief, even if I'm not very good at it.

So yeah, sad, maybe. Pitiful, probably. But I'm working on it. Now, if you really want to catch a glimpse of what my inner soul and brain looks like in picture form, I have provided two samples for you that may approach getting the idea of it.

I really like this picture. I think it does a marvelous job of illustrating what my brain probably looks like on the inside. Well, at least on a very chill and relaxed day.

On a busier day it might look more like this:

But even with these two fantastically awesome pictures, I'm not sure anyone will really ever be able to imagine the true extent. For example, this morning I woke up in the middle of a dream where me and this other kid had wandered into a freaky Greek Mythology version of disneyland, and all the things in it were real and dangerous. There was this lake that had black water and sandy water not mixed together, just next to each other (I read yesterday on wikipedia about a place on the Amazon river that has that) and in this lake there were sort of mermaids crossed with water nymphs that matched the colors of the water, and they liked to pull people into the lake and drown them. But because I was there, I could help the two kids who got pulled under to escape and they had magical powers once they were out.

Yes, I've been reading too much Fablehaven. I admit.

Anyway, there was loads of other stuff in this crazy weird dream, including having to escape from the greek disneyland mob boss, who I owed some kind of debt or something. His name started with an R but I don't remember what it was anymore. But yeah, loads of other totally random stuff was happening when I woke up, and the background song that was totally stuck in my head as I woke up was A pirate's life for me. Mostly the part that goes "We pillage and plunder, we rifle and sack, drink up me hearties yo ho."

Alright. I pretty much just made this blog post because I wanted to post something and had nothing else to write. So there you go. That is all.