I suppose that, in my quest to make people stop annoying me about stupid football games, I've given the impression that I hate sports.
I just wanted to mention that this is not the case. I shall explain.
A) I like playing sports. I always have. You may not be able to tell it now, by looking at my hermit-ish behavior, but when I was a kid, I spent most of my time playing outside. I just don't watch them. Or keep up with who's doing what in them.
B) When I am invested in the outcome of a game, I can even get excited about football, which is unquestionably my least favorite sport of all time. What do I mean by invested? I mean that I actually care about the people playing.
For example, in movies like Blindside, where it's a really great story, and winning at football is important to the characters, who are in turn important to us because of superior storytelling.
Or the Glee episode where they did the Thriller/Heads Will Roll mashup. (Judge me now, but I ain't ashamed of Glee.) They were at the championship game. And yeah, losing it wouldn't have been the end of the world. But we've spent many, many episodes getting attached to the characters, and winning the game, for them, was a really big deal. So when they were making the dramatic goal scoring run, I, by default, was arm pumping and cheering more than I have ever done for any real sporting event.
It didn't hurt that they were playing while dressed as zombies.
C) Different people get excited about different sorts of things. Rabid crowds of screaming people watching highly padded guys smash into each other... well that doesn't really do it for me, but to each their own.
I get just as excited about a long awaited movie premiere, or a new book coming out. So who am I to judge?
Conclusion: I understand about getting excited about sports, and I don't hate them.
Query: So why do I complain about every football game and make endless caustic remarks about it on facebook?
Answer: I don't hate sports in the general, all encompassing way that people think. But I do hate some specific things about the watching of sports.
A) Sports turn people from rational, high-functioning human beings into psycho-crazy heartless alien monsters. Players and fans.
If you need any further proof, I give you the famous hair pull:
Who does that?
Anyway, on to B.
B) When I was still a young college freshman, I was as yet un-initiated to the idea of schools having rivalries. How? I don't entirely know. Because I have since come to realize that VA tech vs. UVA is one such holy war.
Maybe it was because my high school didn't really have a rival. We had a bunch of schools we competed against, but the only one we really hated was JF, and it wasn't because they were our official rivals. It's because they were (mostly) rich and snobby, and everyone hates that. Except for the rich and snobby themselves.
Anyway, I didn't know this. And I had never even heard of the U of U as a school until I landed in the airport in 2003 to begin my college education.
So, my high school's colors were red and white. (The red devils. Creative, I know.) And I happened to have a letter jacket that was, you guessed it, red. I think you can see where this is going. So there I am, innocent, and extremely scared and shy, freshman chillin in the morris center cafeteria all by myself, wondering why the heck I am away from home and when I will ever make friends.
And some random stranger (also a freshman) walks right up to me and says with some disdain, "I really wouldn't wear that jacket if I were you."
First of all, there were two giant R's on it. Tell me where you see the R's in "Utah" or "Utes".
Second of all, it's one of the pet peeves that I share with most of humanity... I hate it when people tell me what to do in condescending ways. It brings out my rebel streak, and instead of being cowed into social submission, I fight back even harder than before.
Third of all, I was freaked out enough being away from home for the first time and not knowing anyone. That SO did not help.
If you want to endear someone like me to the idea of school loyalty in college sports, that is not the way to do it. It had rather the opposite effect. I made a conscious effort to wear my red jacket much more often than I otherwise would have.
I still haven't fully come to terms with the idea of why anyone should care about a school rivalry.
C) People treat me very disrespectfully if I happen to mention that I don't like football very much. Rude. And, again, creates a somewhat opposite reaction.
D) Traffic. Can I just mention how much of a pain in the butt it is to try to get anywhere in a college town during a big game? For someone like me who is usually clueless about when these things happen, this is especially inconvenient because I didn't have the chance to plan accordingly, I get stuck somewhere, run late for whatever I was doing, and end up wasting a lot of time dodging groups of cheering pedestrians who for some reason feel the need to dance or strut in the middle of the road. (Yes that has really happened.)
E) Last but not least, I have to admit that I'm a little bitter in one respect. Here's why.
People dress up like this for games:
Painting their entire bodies, wearing crazy wigs, acting psychotic, and generally looking downright retarded. (See below for a dude in a hula skirt and coconut bra).
So this is okay:
But this is not?
When I dress up for a movie premiere or book release, am SEVERELY judged. It's okay for deuschbag man-boys to run around in coconut bras in public, because it's a sporting event, but I can't wear a plain green cloak without being a complete freak, weirdo, or loser.
How is this fair?
Oh, and there's also a green kid and a guy who's spray painted gold and wearing a cape. Cape... cloak... not really different.
As I mentioned before, it's only a matter of getting excited about different sorts of things. Why should I be shunned and considered socially backward for acting more normal than someone else?
I happen to feel the same way about people painting themselves for a game as they do about me dressing up like Frodo. It's the same exact inability to understand why that's even interesting. So I get it that they think I'm weird. But don't be hatin. It's basically saying that my interests and hobbies are only valid if everyone else has the exact same ones.
And, to be honest, that's probably one of the biggest reasons why I have started a vendetta against college football.
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