Friday, June 15, 2012

Library Olympics

For a good many months now, I've been contemplating a library olympics. And by that I mean a series of games and competitions to be held at the library, by the library staff, and involving library activities.

Yeah, I know. I think it's Supermegafoxyawesomehot too. (If you don't work there, you may not be able to comprehend the sheer excellence of this idea. But trust me, it's a good one.)

Stay tuned. This is going to get wicked awesome.

Opening Ceremonies

 No olympics is complete without a proper opening ceremony. As this is the library, this will obviously involve story time. Puppets. Picture books. Fake-dramatic readings of high literature. Real readings of work written by the staff. Skits. Spoofs. Costumes. The works. 

This will be the opening ceremony to end all opening ceremonies. 

(And obviously, all this will happen at the castle. I mean, where else, right?)


This is just a sampling of the possibilities. 

Dewey Treasure Hunt

How well do you know the Dewey Decimal System?

Every team receives a clue that refers to a topic (and thus, a call number.) This event takes the team back and forth through the Junior and Adult non-fiction areas, solving Dewey Decimal riddles, and finding the next clue in the series.

Dressed as pirates. With swords.

The team who reaches the treasure with the fastest time wins.

Roly-chair Shuttle Run

Remember in elementary school when you had to do those physical fitness tests, and there was that weird one where you had to run to a line, pick up a block, take it to the line you started from, and then do it again, all as fast as possible?

That. Except on these blue chairs. At dangerously high speeds. Across freshly waxed tile flooring. With really heavy books.  

Synchronized Cart Dance

No seriously. It would be hilariawesome. Points for different categories, just like in ice-skating. Coolness. Cart control. Choice of music. You get the picture. 

Cart Speed Relay

Each team will have a cart from every section. (2nd floor, 1st floor, AV, JAV, Picture, and JF & JNF), and a person assigned to each cart. The carts are taken out one at a time. The assigned person must put it away as fast as possible, and bring the empty cart back to the circ room, where they will tag their teammate, and another will go out.

Honorable mentions are given for the fastest individual times, but the event is won by the team with the best overall speed.

Book Lift-a-thon

Who can hold the most? Books are stacked, one at a time, in the carrying arm. The shelving arm is used only to steady the pile. Count stops when the books are dropped. The contestant whose pile weighs the most is the winner. 

Wizard's Duel

Need I say more?

Book-to-Movie Quote Showdown

Like jeopardy, but cooler.

"Horace, do you mind if I take this? I do love knitting patterns."


Capture the flag. With lasers. Inside the library. While it's dark. Anything goes. (Including the attic). 

Insult-the-patrons Improv Standup

It's open mic night, and you get to say what you've always wanted to. The patrons will never know. Winner is decided by a panel. 

Alphabet Soup

We literally just eat alphabet soup. And alphabits. And pretty much anything letter or word related. (There is no winner. We just eat because it's what we do.)

Supermarket Sweep

Ever watch that show? They gave a bunch of super-moms shopping carts and set them loose in a grocery store. They had to get as much stuff as possible, and whoever had the most expensive bill at the end won. There were secret prizes on some products, and some things were more expensive than others. 

This isn't that. 

But it has similarities. 

You are timed, so you have to be fast. And there will be hidden prizes if you choose certain books. 

But (much to your relief, I'm sure), it does not involve rampaging around and throwing huge stacks of books into a shopping cart. 

Each team has a pre-chosen list of qualifications. "An action-adventure for a third grade boy" or "an emo-tastic teen vampire romance". Your team rushes around the library getting books for each item on the list. Check off as many as you can in the time period. The team with the most points wins. **(see below for more specific rules.)

Book Burning

All the really obnoxious ones have to go. They just do. 

(Everyone wins this event.)

Book Drop Derby

Race the bookdrop carts down-hill without crashing. Extra points are given for exceptional steering ability.

Mount Doom

Follow the map of middle earth... er... I mean the library. Find the 9 hidden ringwraiths on the map. Go to the rooms they're in. Solve a puzzle/riddle to defeat the ringwraiths. If you fail, you go back to the beginning and start again. If you win, grab the marker, and return to the circ room in the fastest time. 

Without any elevators. And no, Sam can not carry you. 

Hunger Games

A little more of that Laser Tag Capture the Flag fun. Except without flags. And without lasers. And no teams, either. 

Plastic weapons hidden around in the stacks. Every man for himself. One winner. 

(There are much more detailed rules to this, too, but it's 1:24 am. So I'm not going to write them here.)


The carts in the back make pretty good barricades. And Nerf guns make pretty good toys. Have at it.

(No one wins this one either. It's just for kicks. And camaraderie.)

Small-Picture-Book Toss

Those white bins, and those semi-indestructible books are quite a temptation, sometimes. I think an aiming and throwing competition is in order. 

Best Costume

Well, obviously. Where would we be without some healthy nerdicism?

Obstacle Course

Those carts can be mighty hard to handle. Sometimes it seems like they actually want to be rammed into walls.

Complete an obstacle course with a full cart, without smashing too many things. Points are awarded for speed, and taken away for crushing small children.

Closing Ceremonies

Points are tallied. Gold medals are awarded. Team points are also tallied. Some people win. The rest eat more food. 

Then some more rambunctious silliness. More stories. More spoofs. More puppets. 

Oh, and there were Twinkies the whole time. 

** Point Rules for Supermarket Sweep: Some books count for more points than others. Popularity, as well as general quality are considered. For example, the item "Young boy finds out he's really a wizard". Harry Potter would get several points for being amazing, but would lose quite a few of them because everyone and their Great Aunt Muriel has heard of it. It would probably come in at 2 points, as a result.

On the other hand, Slathbog's gold would barely get half a point for being dreadful, but no one even know's what the heck it is, so it would gain significantly, and probably reign in at 4 points. Thus making it a better choice than HP.

However, Slathbog's Gold would also qualify for "Has a wardrobe that transports a kid to a magical land", "turns a troll into stone by tricking it into staying out after the sun rises", and "90% of it is plagiarized". You would have to pick only one of these.

Classics get extra points because they aren't in their own section, and the finders must know the author.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

What All Men Need To Know About Sports

Things that are attractive:

Respect and Good Sportsmanship


Whether you win or lose



and Spirit

Even when the odds are stacked against you.


Most of all, have fun. (It's called a GAME for a reason)

Things that are NOT:


NOT having fun

Kicking/hitting things


Nagging (your teammates stop listening to you when you're bossy.)

And homicidal rage

Definitely unattractive

Sports turn perfectly decent people into rage-monsters. Rage-monsters are ugly and distasteful. Just keep these things in mind next time you watch or play sports with, in front of, or while trying to impress girls.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Life is like the Zombie Apocalypse

People are often convinced that life is like the Hunger Games.

Bad things happen to good people. Nothing is fair.

Children growing up too fast. Children dying too young. 

No matter what you do, the odds will never be in your favor.

Temporary alliances that can't last. Betrayal as a way of life. 
Every man for himself. Fight to the death. Only one victor. 

Sometimes it feels that way. People go around thinking that it's them against the world. That this is nothing but one big competition. That in order to succeed, you have to beat out everyone else. 

This is a big honkin' lie. 

Life is not the Hunger Games. 

Life is the Zombie Apocalypse.

I'd be a flat out liar if I said that life was always easy. It isn't. Neither is the zombie apocalypse. 

But the zombie apocalypse is not one-victor-only. And neither is life. 

Yes, it will still be hard. There will be monsters, sleepless nights, rough living. There will be days with short rations, and other days spent on the run. Sometimes safe places will seem impossible to find. 

Kids still die too young. Good people still get rotten luck. Some people still act like it's them against the world. 

Other back-stabbers will ally with you, only to sacrifice you for their own ambitions. 

(Hey, Becca, we really need some more peanut butter.) 

But like I said, this isn't a one-victor-only situation. You stand a better chance when you work together.Your alliances don't have to be temporary. It does not have to be every man for himself. 

In the zombie apocalypse, the more people who survive, the more everyone is a winner when it's all over. And if you play it right, everyone makes it. Not just one. That is how life is supposed to be. 

Also, read this post from my other blog. (It's super short, I promise.) 

And don't forget: Unlike the zombie apocalypse, life isn't all monsters and hard times. Good things happen too. If you decide to ignore that, and focus on the bad stuff, that's your own idiot fault. 

I'm super proud of this zombie. I think I did pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.