I honestly don't know what this post is going to turn into, or where it's gonna go. But Allonsy! Let's see where this takes us.
Let's start with why I'm afflicted by the struggle monster today. Well, if we cut it right down to the underlying issue, it's because I'm having a lot of emotions about stuff and there is no one to express them to.
That might sound weird coming from an extrovert who spends a lot of time just arbitrarily texting/messaging people so that they'll talk to me. As an extrovert, expressing all the things is of utmost importance. It might also sound weird coming from someone who has plenty of very close friends who know all the things about me. Even most of the secretest ones.
But here's the main thing:
There's this person I'm into. I'm so into. I'm stupid-highschooler-writing-terrible-poetry into. Jeez, but it's a mess. I'm a mess. (And not just because even writing those words is like pulling teeth. I am so bad at expressing this kind of stuff.)
I like her like I've never liked anyone before in my whole life. (And I'm 33, so it's not like this is my melodramatically first crush or something.) I like her because standing next to her at a counter, even when we aren't saying anything, instantly de-stresses me. I like her because she has such mad talent in so many arenas. I like her because she's literally the kindest person I know.And as a bonus, yes, she's stunning, as well.
(Oh, btw. If you're reading this and going "Her? What??" then, surprise! I haven't told everyone I'm pan/demi**, but it's generally known in my circles. And if this blindsided you completely, your gaydar is definitely broken. For most people, this isn't very much of a surprise.)
Point being, I like this person enough that I want to plan elaborate dates and dance in the living room to goofy music and hold hands as we stargaze and sing SO LOUDLY in the car every single day and buy her ALL THE THINGS. And I can't.
I can't because church. Religiously, a girl dating a girl is a big no no.
And this is where it gets messy. Because 99.6% of my current acquaintanceship is either very active in church, or very pro-LGBT+ and the venn diagram circle where those two things intersect includes exactly one person. (That I know of and personally am able to talk to.)
So if I talk to church friends, they are often sympathetic, but have no idea what to say or do to help, and usually just send me platitudes like "Well, it's only a sin if you act on it". Which does not actually make anything any better.
I'm lucky, in this regard. A lot of people who are less demi than me spend years being ashamed of themselves or wondering what they did wrong. They knew they were gay and either tried to not be or tried to ignore it, and spent a long time working out that emotional mess.
I didn't have to do that because being demisexual made me SUPER oblivious to a lot of stuff. What I spent all my time doing was figuring out why I didn't see or experience love interests like the media told me I should. Ie. wanting to make out with anyone who was even slightly cute, throwing myself physically at people, and thinking that very average-looking guys were extremely hot.
And--shamefully--I judged people on this all the time. "Ugh, why are you so shallow that you care so much what they look like?" "He's so boring, how could you possibly be into him?" "You think he's hot? I think you're blind." etc. It didn't occur to me for YEARS that maybe there was a reason that I didn't really find most of these "hot" men interesting in any way.
I'm not proud of that judgment, but it did spare me the shame portion of the whole figuring out who I am experience. Maybe it was a small mercy granted to me based on how much shame and low esteem I felt about so many other things in my life.
Either way, I'm not ashamed of being how I am. It's not like I can do anything about it. And I certainly don't have any kind of fears about God sending me to burn in eternal torment over this. I know that's not how He works. So reassuring platitudes--while very well-intended, I'm sure--do less to make me feel better, and more to imply that maybe I should feel ashamed and scared. If everyone else is...On top of all that, no one who is straight really understands why, if I still very much believe in all the things, it would still make my life a heckuva lot easier if I just said screw it and did the thing. They don't have any real concept of how I could possibly believe all the things very devoutly, and still be this close to asking for that date anyway.
Talking to them doesn't help because they focus on one thing, and don't understand the other. If I talk about my predicament, there really is only one obviously right choice, and I'm sorta blind and dumb if I don't pick it.
On the other hand, non-religious people do the exact same thing and are exactly as unhelpful to talk to. If I talk about my predicament to them, there's also only one obvious choice, and I'm so confusingly silly if I choose a religious statute over my own emotional needs.
Basically, I just can't do it. I can't just leave, because I really and sincerely do believe in the power of faith, and in God, and in most of the church's teachings.
And this juxtaposition of having no one to even talk to about this dilemma has the same structure as the dilemma itself. There really is no middle ground. I need both but I can't have both. I have to pick one or the other, and I don't see how I can.
**NOTE: For everyone who doesn't know what pan/demi means, here's a crash course.
DEMI
Most people feel sexual attraction to people as a primary response. When they are attracted to someone at all, it often starts with an "OMG THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL" kind of response and later develops into love based on shared interests, mutual effort, and appreciation of the finer qualities of a person.
Examples in song lyrics:
Brad Paisley "I remember trying not to stare the night that I first saw you. You had me mesmerized."
Asexual is where a person doesn't feel that physical desire to have sexy times with anyone. They aren't turned on by physicality at all. Even when they're in a loving and committed relationship. Not that they can't be intimate. They just don't feel the need to, usually. I am not ace, so you'd have to get some more clarification from someone who understands it better than I do.
Demisexual is everything in between. It's where the sexual attraction is there, but as a secondary response. The shared interests and cool traits and building of trust has to happen first, for the most part.
Of course, all of this is on a spectrum instead of a box. You can be demi, but so close to ace that you really only feel attraction for one person, and only because you're married to them and have developed that aspect of your relationship. I know a few people like this.
You can also be demi toward the other end, where you do see hotness in people and do have those physical desires, but in general you're not comfortable with it unless you know them first. I'm closer to this end than the other, but still very limited in my initial physical responses.
For me personally, I spent most of my life being entirely oblivious to physical attraction. I might have even been pretty close to ace for some of those late teen/early adult years. I had crushes, of course, but 90% of them were entirely based on a singing voice or a cool talent or how nice a person they were. I didn't know until a lot later in my life that this was NOT what other people were feeling when they described how hot people were.
It has certainly shifted since then. I've had those moments when someone took my breath away by just walking past me. I've seen people I don't even know who I just couldn't look away from. It's rare, though. Most of the time, the only people I've ever wanted to kiss are people I've known for a while. Mostly, the only people I really have any interest in getting close with physically are people I'm already emotionally close to.
Yes, that means that I am one of the slowest movers of all time. And yes, it means that dating apps are practically useless. But it doesn't mean I have to know someone for five years, first. Depending on the context of the interaction, it can go much faster. Just depends on who the person is.
PAN
This one is also interesting, especially for straight people whose romantic inclinations match up with their sexual ones. Most of them don't realize that sometimes these two things split.
When you are panromantic, you love everyone. Whether they're same gender, opposite gender, neutral gender, whatevs. Everyone is cute.
Pansexual is the same, but with physiological attraction. You'd sleep with any type of person. They're all hot.
Much like demi, both of these happen on a spectrum instead of in a box. You can be the kind of pan where you a little bit like women, when the conditions are right, but mostly you find yourself attracted to men. You can be a little of everything. You can be a lot of everything.
As far as physicality, I am perfectly capable of being attracted to anyone (if the conditions are right, obviously. Still demi, after all.) It's not equal for all sides, but I'm not going to go into specifics right here.
On the other hand, romantically I have a very distinct preference for women. I'm sure I could romantically fall for a guy, but I've never done it before so I don't really know. (I've had crushes, sure, but none of the guys I've ever been interested in made me want to hold hands and do cheesy things and cuddle with them. So... yeah. It was mostly, "oh, he sings pretty. Guess I'm in love, now." For obvious reasons, none of those ever worked out.)
So, yeah, it's wonky that I'm not romantically interested in some of the people I'm physically interested in, but oh well. My demi-ness usually wins out, and I care more about the romantic side than the physical.
Which effectively puts men off the map for me. And is part of the reason church people don't always see my dilemma. If I could physically be attracted to a guy, why not just marry a guy and not have to have this whole problem? Because it's so much more complicated than that. I get very frustrated that sexuality is the only indicator people use, sometimes, when it comes to love. Just because I am capable of wanting to sleep with a guy doesn't mean it's going to happen, or that I even want it to.
