Tomorrow is my last day at a job I’ve been with for almost ten years. I naturally have a lot of very complicated and mixed feelings about this.
- Rage at admin for passing me over on promotions several times.
- Nostalgia for a lot of good times had there.
- A bit of fear at moving on after such a length of time.
- Excitement at the possibility of stabilizing my financial situation a bit.
- Adventurous about trying something new and getting to do new things.
- Sadness at leaving behind many people I love and will miss.
- Comfort in knowing I will certainly see them all plenty of times in the future.
- Confusion about what I did wrong or didn’t do or didn’t have that caused my employers (and others) to more than once eliminate me in the first round when many who were objectively less qualified than me or who were equally qualified got to move forward through the processes.
And that last one is what I want to really chat about today. The main reason: because I cannot for the life of me figure it out short of accusing them of some prejudice that I wish I didn’t have to.
What kinds of things are you supposed to do to make a good impression on an interviewer?
—Dress nicely? Check. (I was snazzy af, y’all.)
—Have good answers to questions? Check.
—Have a qualified and well-put-together resume? Check.
—Be actually qualified for the job? Check.
—Be charming and well-spoken? Check. Well, to the extent that I am able. I’ve never considered myself the most charming person ever, but I answered questions well, made eye contact, smiled, laughed, and didn’t do anything weird.
—Be noticeably good at the job? Check. My supervisor consistently gave me the highest possible marks on yearly evaluations.
Of course I know and understand that being a good candidate for a job doesn’t mean I’ll get it or that someone else isn’t going to be better. I’m an adult and I can accept that.
What I can’t accept is the result of my post-rejection comparison.
**Note: I had most of that comparison listed out here, but it was long and boring and not really the point. Plus I don’t blame the people that got the jobs instead of me. They were just trying to get a job and had nothing to do with the hiring process.
The summarized version, however, is that the first time it looked an awful lot like he got the job instead of me because he had five things that I didn’t, four of which are illegal to discriminate on, and later situations seemed to confirm this.
—He’s extremely charming.
—He’s straight.
—He’s married.
—He has small children.
—He’s a dude.
My having twice as much experience didn’t seem to matter. My having the same education level didn’t seem to matter. My having a desire to stay long-term while he was already planning to leave for law school as soon as he could get into one didn’t seem to matter.
All else being pretty much the same, it seemed extremely suspect that between two people who were equal in most things, the one with the slight edge in experience and longevity was cut in the first round while the other one made it through several.
But whatever it looked like, I had no real evidence, and I didn’t want to seem like I was accusing people of things without actually knowing. I sucked it up, started looking for new jobs (having realized that I was not appreciated), and eventually ended up staying three more years on a pay of peanuts and wishes because that’s how much I loved the people and the environment.
I just wasn’t as ready to leave as I thought I was, after that rejection.
But now that guy is going off to law school, (which, like I said, we all knew he was going to do as soon as he passed the LSAT and got accepted somewhere). And so the job opened again. And, like an idiot, I applied again, thinking I had a chance.
I mean, I had ten years of experience, the proven track record of being a good worker, even more education and job skills than before, better social skills than I’ve ever had, and—once again—a sincere desire to make this place a long-term home.
For the second time, (for this specific position, anyway) I didn’t even make it past the first round of interviews, despite being overwhelmingly qualified. And for the second time I got stuck here wondering what I could possibly have done different or better. What was it, despite everything I was SO QUALIFIED FOR, that I didn't have? What more could they possibly have asked for in a candidate?
A few days later I found out.
In a relatively casual chat with someone a little higher up than me, I mentioned the way it felt last time, with this dude getting chosen over me despite the fact that I was extensively qualified.
The higher-up’s response was sincerely intended to make me feel better by pointing out that it was “definitely not sexist prejudice. He likes to hire women!” It was that the director was looking for a very specific aesthetic: The polyester-suited business woman. The decades-out-of-date image of what it meant to be “professional” as a woman.
Something which the other guy also had in spades. That traditional look. The normal, slightly oversized suit. The majority population appearance. The gravitas of someone who is confident in their place in the world.
I am very sad that this even has to be said, but sexism isn’t just choosing men over women. It is holding women to a different standard than men. It is choosing one woman over another because she suits your idea of the proper beauty standard. It is passing over qualified candidates for a job because she isn’t traditionally feminine or doesn’t have the same fashion sense as you.
It’s ALL sexism.
And guess who isn’t traditionally feminine in any conceivable way (except maybe my bust size)?
C'est Moi.
Now, I looked GOOD that day. I wore my snazziest vest, and was tempted to bring my hat, although I resisted that particular urge. No one looking at me with objective eyes would say that I was sloppy, lazy, or underdressed. I was on fire. (And I really don’t feel that way most of the time.)
Where’s the Line?
I don’t want to sound like I should never be required to change at all, because that’s also ridiculous. We all have to learn, grow, and get better. Never changing is just as bad being wishy washy.
But where is the line? Where do we draw the distinction between “be who you are” and “make sure you fit the arbitrary standards of the middle-aged white men in charge or you’ll never get hired and it’ll be your own fault”?
I don’t have a hard and fast answer for you. You gotta do a little of both in this world, in order to be your real best self.
But what I do know is that I did my best for a job (probably several other jobs as well), dressed well, prepared, came to the table with a lot to offer, and got rejected because I looked either too gay or too masculine. Maybe both.
I got rejected because I don’t look or feel right in a polyester business suit.
I got rejected because I have buzzed sides in my hair.
I got rejected because I don’t fit the rich white dudes’ idea of what a working woman should look like. They don’t want me to be the face of their business. They’ll pay me part time and hide me in the back, but they don’t want me to be seen.
And I know for sure that that IS crossing the line.
Just because they didn’t hire the lone dude of the applicant group this time doesn’t mean it wasn’t sexism that made their choices.
Now we come full circle. I got another job as quickly as I could (which was surprisingly fast, considering my track record with people not wanting to hire me) and peaced out of that place.
Tomorrow is my last day at a business that is ashamed of the face I present to the world, and I start on a new journey. Hopefully it’ll lead me to better things. And maybe—just maybe—I’ll stop thinking of myself as un-hireable and start recognizing my own positive qualities despite not being traditional.
Maybe I’ll get even closer to becoming my best self.
Further Note: in deference to some concerns from the family, I would like to clarify that it was never my intention to imply that said person did nothing whatsoever to work hard or deserve employment.
Only that he was afforded chances and opportunities that were not granted to me, despite my also having worked as hard and done it for years longer.
I attribute those chances and privileges to his being a straight, white, married, male person.
