Monday, February 4, 2013

The Pixy Stix Files

Know those ginormous pixy stix? The ones that were like ultimate magical awesomness when we were kids?

And know how some people are a lot more susceptible to sugars and caffeines than others?

Ever wonder what happens when one such sugar susceptible being takes said giant pixy stix and chugs the whole thing in one shot? While at work? In a library?

Stay tuned to find out. I only wish that I could show you videos of what happened. Text just doesn't quite convey the hilarity in its full measure.

It all started slowly. After all, sugar doesn't hit immediately. The very first sign that my dear, insane friend was not entirely sober came about ten minutes after the pixy stix chug.

We were putting away kids non-fiction and started making stupid jokes. That part was normal. This was not.

Crazy Friend: My mouth tastes like pink.
Me: Sorry. I'm not familiar with what pink tastes like.
CF: It's like when you eat candy that's sour and sweet at the same time and there's that point right in between when it turns from sour to sweet, and it's all weird and stuff and it makes your mouth kind of fuzzy.
Me: That's pink?
CF: Yes. That's what pink tastes like.

I laughed pretty hard. But I still wasn't completely aware of the true insanity until:

Me: Hey, look at this.
Crazy friend: What?
Me: I found a book about you! 
I expected her to laugh. I did not expect her to cackle. For five minutes. With tears and gasping for air. It was so funny that I cracked up too, and neither of us said anything coherent for a good ten minutes. We just laughed at everything. Especially the worried looks on our coworkers' faces. 

After a little while, we split into different sections. As I had not yet consumed any sugar, it didn't take too long to chillax a little and get rid of my laughing headache. I had a stack of N's. While I put them away, this little baby, who was just learning how to pull himself into a standing position, saw me and got all excited. I guess he thought I came over to play with him while his mom was reading. He was super cute.

When my stack of books was gone, I went back to the cart for more, and told my friend about the little guy.  

Crazy Friend: I don't like kids. 
Me: But they're so cute.
CF: They poop. They get poop all over you! Are you okay with that!?
Me: *shrug* It happens.
CF: Yeah. Everyone poops. *giggles*
(a minute later)
CF: Everything poops, yeah?
Me: uh...
CF: Does that mean even bacteria poops?
Me: I guess in a way.
CF: And we're all covered in bacteria. Does that mean we're all covered in poop? Does that mean our food has poop on it!? *Serious face* Does that mean... our POOP has poop on it!!?? 

At this point I had dissolved into fits of giggling that drew a concerned glance from the reference librarians.
CF: This is, like, mind-blowing. Do you understand? Our poop has poop on it!

The next several incidents have blurred together into a delirious fit of hysterical giggles. I can no longer recall them with much more clarity than this.

"Have you ever thought about... how things are in color?! I mean, who invented that? Like this book. These colors are awful and this cover looks terrible, but HOW DO I KNOW THAT?!"

"Trying speak languages... words... not working."

"It's a good thing I don't do drugs. I'd probably kill people and laugh over their bodies."

"I would eat ALL THE MANGOES!"

"Your taste buds are obviously dead."

"You know, it would make me really sad to get a letter from a dead fish's mother."

"I'm telling you, that poop thing is so deep. Think about it."

There was so much more that I wish I could remember. Also, quite a lot of incoherent jabbering that made us crack up even more because we couldn't even understand the words.

And then came the texts. A whole slew of them, while she was on her break. I was just getting rid of my laughter headache again when I saw them. (Oh, and yes, she is listed as "The Harbinger" in my phone. Perhaps that explains a few things.)

 "I really wish my nickname was mango"

"I'm trying not to laugh out loud and like This must be what bubbles feel like Just full of wiggling air"

"Do you think one day pop stars will do concerts in SPACE"

"I'm trying not to laugh out loud and like This must be what bubbles feel like Just full of wiggling air"


"Then when we're dead and bearded stars we could watch pop stars performing IN SPACE"


"I'm going to stay down here and sort awhile because my whole brain is trying to punch my face right now"

"I to be a side ponytail"

"My ponytail was a regular pony tail but its now a side ponytail and i don't know how that happened. Like what evolutionary process is there for a ponytai"

"X seems like it should be the last letter of the alphabet"

"There are some messed up seeming stuff about k"

Print can not express everything I wish it could. If only you were there. But 'it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live'. Peace out.