Meh on the New Superman

This isn't just about superman, though. It's also my attempt at explaining why I, a dyed in the wool nerdbox, have not gotten googly-eyed over the past few years' veritable slew of supposedly epic movies, like everyone else has been.

Watch this trailer.




The music is spectacular.
His re-vamped suit looks pretty cool.
The guy who plays him is pretty awesome.
The graphics look good.
The trailer is REALLY well made.
The character conflict is actually real, as opposed to most of the older superhero movies.


So, what's wrong with it, you may ask?

Nothing, per se. Except for the fact that we've seen this exact same movie about 42 times already this year.

I'm just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,

REALLY

tired of superhero movies. Really. Tired.

I wouldn't be, if there were a couple of little tweaks. Nothing major. I really don't ask for much. But as it is, I'm so done.

Let's break it down, shall we?

1) The darkening of the character was a really good idea...the first time it was done.

It made sense with Batman. The whole police not trusting him thing. The warrants for his arrest. The misunderstanding. In Gotham City, it's only to be expected. That's the way the world works in those stories. And aside from all that, Batman is one of the darker heroes anyway. He always was.

But these days it's like slouchy leg-warmers in the 80's. Everyone's wearing them around, and there's no good reason for them.

Take the Amazing Spiderman. There's a giant dinosaur man rampaging through town, facing down machine gun bullets, killing people for no good reason, and hatching a plot to turn everyone into creatures like him. But where are the cops? Oh, just busy setting up traps for some kid who likes running around in spandex. Because he's OBVIOUSLY the important threat to New York.

Tell me, how does that make any sense, except as a plot device for keeping Peter Parker away from saving the world until the last possible moment?

No really, if there's an actually good answer to this, do elaborate.

2) But that brings me nicely to my second point, which is infinitely more important, and which I shall also begin to elaborate on by using the Amazing Spiderman. I could forgive stupid mistakes like trying to copy someone else's style so they can be as cool as other people. I really could, if I actually cared about anyone in the movie.

But seriously, the main character is an idiot. And I don't mean that in the intellectual way. He's got a high IQ, and he's dating a girl who somehow knows the way to cook genetic mutation antidotes, although they're both still in high school. Whatevs. But I mean that in an an eye-rolling, "start thinking with your brain, please." way.

He crawls over the roofs of half of New York with one hand, trying to stop the bleeding in his bullet wound, and nearly falls to his death several times. But as soon as those cranes start moving, THEN he uses his webbing as a bandage, which miraculously allows him to run at a full sprint with no difficulties. Why didn't you do that like an hour ago?

We won't even start on that idiotic closing line he used to win his girlfriend back. Or the way that she's trying to clean this ginormous gash across his chest, to keep him from dying, and all he can think about is making out with her. *Puke*

Picky, picky, blah blah blah. I know. Those things aren't fatal flaws. Good characters should be flawed. But good characters also should have something really great going for them, that makes us like them anyway.

Harry Potter is an angsty whiny-baby sometimes. But he's got the courage of a lion, and the goodness of his mother, which make us root for him anyway.

Peregrine Took is a complete moron. He makes a lot of stupid choices, and isn't the brightest crayon in the box. But he's funny, and charming, and optimistic, and when he's called out to fight against orcs who are twice his size, he does it without a question. And therefore, we love him anyway.

Aladdin is a thief. So is Flynn Rider. Prince Adam (Beast) is an enormous monster with the patience of a nuclear bomb. Emperor Cuzco is a selfish, whiny brat. Aurora spends 3/4 of the movie asleep. Woody seethes with jealousy. Hercules is naive to a fault. Simba doesn't care about anything that he should care about until the movie is 9/10 over.

And yet, every single one of them has something about them that we love anyway. We care about them anyway. When bad stuff happens to them, we cry. And when good stuff happens, we cheer. And even if we've seen the movie a hundred times, the scary parts are still scary, because we love them so much that we're afraid for them.

THAT is what a good character should be. And that is what none of the main people in any of the latest superhero movies do.

Transformers movies? Ack! Please, just scour them from my brain. Please.

That part in Avengers where they thought Iron Man was dead? I gotta be honest, I was not all that bothered. If he had died, I would have felt exactly the same about the movie as I do now. *shrug*

I was a little, tiny bit almost sad when he shed one tear because he couldn't call Pepper before he sacrificed himself. But that was the first time Tony Stark ever did anything that made me feel like he deserved my sympathy. In general, he is not a likable person. He has no redeeming qualities. And therefore, I didn't care about his movies.

Same with the Hulk. Or Captain America. (He was kind of angsty. Which seems like NOT what Captain America is supposed to be.) Or Spiderman. Or Green Lantern. Hancock? One of the only Will Smith movies ever made that was plain old dumb. And that Catwoman one? Ooh. Oh, add that to the Transformers list. Just make it go away.

Am I too picky? Do you want a good example from the past few years? Alright. Here we go. Two days ago.

*SPOILER ALERT* If you haven't seen the Hobbit yet, skip this paragraph. Unless you don't care about me telling you something that happened.

There's a part where wargs are chasing the company, and they have to climb up trees to get clear of them. Then they're all stuck in trees, which subsequently catch on fire and trap the good guys with no escape.

This part is pretty much directly from the book. And if you've read it, you know they eventually escape by means of a flock of giant eagles swooping in to the rescue.

I knew this. I knew it well. I've read the Hobbit more times than all the other LOTR books put together. I knew that no one was going to die. I knew the eagles were coming. There was no question in my mind about it.

But, owing to the excellence of the movie making, I knew these characters better than I had done from the book. I was more attached to them than ever before. And though I knew it would end alright, I was Stressing. Out. The eagles did not come nearly soon enough for me. I needed them to be safe, and I needed it immediately.

That is what a good character should do to you. It doesn't matter how many times you've read/watched something. It doesn't matter how well you know the sequence of events. When it comes down to the danger, it's still scary every time, because you still love the people every time.

None of these superhero movies have done that yet. And since all of them are emotionless, and all of them are the same, I am SO BORED.

Now we'll return to Man of Steel. 


(I think they got the same guy to re-design his spandex, as did the spiderman getup.)

2) Superman is cool. I have no inherent problem with him, and he is a likable dude by nature. So I should be able to survive this movie without being annoyed.

1) But that's just the thing, though. Turning superman all dark and angsty takes away most of those things that make him superman in the first place.

It was never about the muscles and the powers. It was about his motto. Truth, Justice, and the American way. He was supposed to be the embodiment of good. Of helpfulness, and charm, and right. Make him angsty, and all of that is gone. Then what's the point?

1-B) The trailer goes on about "Oh, you have to hide, because they'll never accept you" and blah blah blah. And that's the whole basis for the angst. Sure, it's hard to not fit in. I would know. But the dude is basically immortal. He only has one weakness, and that's some mineral from a far-off planet. What are the people gonna do to him if they decide they don't like his powers? Shoot him? Imprison him? Big whoopdee-twee.

<= Seriously, what is this? Like handcuffs would ever stop superman anyway.

Now I could be wrong. Coming at it from that angle could work really, really well. It could be a fabulous learning-to-be-the-right-kind-of-man story. You know the type. Even though the world would have a hard time accepting him, he helps them anyway, because that's the kind of man he wants to be. And in the end, he finally overcomes his angst in coming to this conclusion.

In that case, it would be the only useful superhero movie of the past years.

But I have lost my faith in the superhero franchises. And in humanity in general. People don't like stories of learning to be good even when its hard. Not anymore. They just want to see things blow up. (I cite the Avengers as the poster child for this. They added just enough of the learning to be good to make people feel okay about life, but they didn't take it far enough to matter. People are scared of that these days.)

(And dang. They really do massacre these cities in every movie. Who pays for them to become un-demolished, I'd like to know. Not the superheroes, obviously.)

Because of that, I don't trust that they'd actually dare to take the movie in that direction. Or, like in Avengers, not far enough to matter. Although I really hope they do. 2) I'd like to have a superhero movie that actually means something, and that doesn't star some selfish, obnoxious dude who happens to have powers and condescends to save the world because no one else can.

I guess we'll come back to this post in 2013 and see what really happens. It has the potential to be excellent. But will they allow it to be? Probably not. Sadly.

PS. However bad the movie, though, I will buy that soundtrack. It's so good. Hans Zimmer. One of the best.