But I'm so tired. Tired in a way that the news and the state of the world has never made me before. Not even something like 9/11 has had me addicted to the news feeds and filled with rage like I am right now.
Maybe because I was a teenager in high school then. Maybe because I've grown a lot since I was the type of person who could unironically believe that racism wasn't a thing anymore. Maybe because smartphones and social media have revolutionized the way we are able to receive and interact with the news of the world.
Maybe all of the above.
But whatever the cause, I have been able to see things, learn things, and understand a broader perspective of the world just by paying attention and living in it. That fact makes me so utterly flabbergasted that there are people out there with more years, more experience, and more opportunity who will still argue that treating other humans with respect is a crushing and unnecessary burden.
I got harassed on Twitter yesterday by one such guy, who as much as said that being PC is a sin against God. He literally thinks it's against his religion to respect people's identities and treat them like actual humans. And I'm exhausted by people like him not only existing, but existing in my local area.
I watch the protests and riots and media posts and statements from our leaders, and it exhausts me that people still exist in the world who will hear "Stop killing black people" and can muster up the audacity to reply with "but..."
It exhausts me that half of my facebook feed a week ago was filled with people griping about how wearing masks and using mail-in ballots was a tragic infringement on our freedom, but literally all of them are deafeningly silent as we watch actual martial law get enacted all over the country.
Curfews. The national guard marching down suburban streets screaming and shooting at people who are standing on their own porches. Lines of cops faced against lines of people who are literally just walking, and out comes the the industrial powered pepper spray cans.
Where are you now, freedom criers? Why aren't you mad now?
It exhausts me that seeing so much silence from all of these people I've grown up with or lived around or am related to means that they won't be a voice for or act on anything unless it benefits themselves. That if I'm the one the bad guys come for next, I know I can't count on support from any of them.
And they do keep trying to come for me. So that's not an idle concern.
It exhausts me that people exist, both in the world and on my media feeds, that are literally more upset about a (censored) Target building than systemic prejudice and MURDER.
It exhausts me that friends of mine have to feel the way I do now, but ALL THE TIME. It exhausts me to know that I don't even really know how much worse it is for them. It exhausts me that I could maybe defend myself if something were to happen, but if they did the same, they'd more than likely end up getting the life crushed out of them by some psychopath that gets away with it because of his badge.
It exhausts me that friends of mine have to feel the way I do now, but ALL THE TIME. It exhausts me to know that I don't even really know how much worse it is for them. It exhausts me that I could maybe defend myself if something were to happen, but if they did the same, they'd more than likely end up getting the life crushed out of them by some psychopath that gets away with it because of his badge.
It exhausts me that people in the world still exist that will watch our "president" tweet threats and use phrases with a whole history of racism behind them, and still try to claim that he's the victim here. That they can scrape together enough grasping, reaching threads to weave some kind of narrative that excuses everything he does.
It exhausts me that the president won't even make a speech about what's happening.
It exhausts me that I belong to a religion that preaches about a pretty radical Jesus who stood up for the marginalized, broke bread with the criminals and the sinners, and forgave even the very people driving nails through his body, and yet large swathes of the members of that religion literally and sincerely believe that gay people are evil, black people just want attention, and that holding political opinions that aren't right-extremist is actual heresy.
There are actual white-supremacy/alt-right/neo-nazi organizations and trending hashtags in this religious community. And the people involved in those things actually believe they're following the radical Jesus I mentioned above.
It exhausts me that there are people who are so concerned with refocusing the narrative on the parts of the system that are good and warm and fuzzy, that they forget it isn't our job right now to feel comfortable. People have been trying to tell us for 400 YEARS that it's not all sunshine and lollipops, but we keep finding ways not to listen.
I'm not an exception. I grew up having no idea that any of this was a thing. I've said things I'm still embarrassed about years and years later. But I've learned, and I've grown, and I'm trying to listen now.
Nothing ever gets fixed without first RECOGNIZING that something needs fixing in the first place.
It exhausts me that I can 100% guarantee someone reading this is gonna think "not all cops" or "all lives matter" or "not all white people".
Yes, we all KNOW it's not every single person who ever existed. But it's enough. Enough that the problem is systemic. Ten good cops don't erase that the bad ones are murdering people and getting away with it.
Ten good white people don't erase that the KKK still has active chapters in this, the year 2020.
Ten photo ops of cops kneeling with the protesters is nice and cozy and hopeful, but it doesn't change that militant cop militias are jogging down suburban streets casually opening fire on random citizens.
It exhausts me that cops in full swat gear are not even trying to be careful with their weapons and tools. Just because a bullet is rubber doesn't mean it doesn't explode eyeballs and penetrate skulls. Just because a protester exists, doesn't mean the can of industrial mace has to come out.
Are y'all even trained? Do you even know how to do your job?
It exhausts me that there have been riots in this country involving massive police overreach for over 250 years (before we even were a country yet), but we're still here, and we're still at it. And very, very little has changed. Trained soldiers still panicked in the face of aggressive riots and shot/killed a bunch of unarmed people during the Boston Massacre. This weekend rubber bullets and tear gas killed some and permanently blinded/injured many others. Two sides. Same coin.
It exhausts me that even people who apparently know what unfair prejudice feels like (religious persecution, LGBT+ persecution, classism, non-black racism) exist who are still ready to close their eyes, plug their ears, and scream "Nah nah nah nah I'm not listening!" as soon as the status quo is beneficial for them.
It exhausts me that one of the reasons destructive rioting works to get attention, is because everyone is so (censored) OBSESSED with money. Look at our president! Look at Congress! Look at the big name tycoons who make literal billions, and do NOTHING.
And it exhausts me that I can easily keep coming up with things to add to this list. But I'm tired, and this has gotten long.
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