Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Dementors of Alone

I’m SO BORED right now. I don’t mean that I can’t think of interesting things to do. I just mean that my roommates are all out of town and I’ve been by myself all weekend, and that always sucks out my soul. I don’t do well with the living by myself thing.

It makes me mopey and more complainy than usual. I even got to the point this weekend where I just sat on the couch not watching tv. Just thinking about it, and not quite mustering the desire to turn it on.

I complain a lot anyway, though. You may have heard me grumble about how all my friends are married, but I'm not. Or how I have no friends left. Blah-de-blah-de-blah.

When I say things like that, I don’t actually mean that I think I’m alone in the world and nobody loves me. Generally what I mean is that I have no friends that I can non-awkwardly call on for no reason at all when I’ve been by myself for too long. And even though that doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, it kind of is for me.

I’m not actually bothered about not being married. I don't care about having a fancy ring, or what decorations any future weddings will have. Believe it or not, it’s not really even the fact that all of my friends keep moving on without me, and I’m left behind. Well, not entirely.

Roll your eyes if you like, but it’s true. None of those things are what bothers me most. In fact, the idea of being married to someone still kind of freaks me out. Although not nearly as much as it did in my freshman year. The very first of my friends to get engaged caused this mass panic amongst us, and we were all like “I mean, that is a decision that lasts FOREVER!!” *with very dramatic faces and voices*

I still feel a little like that, though not as much. And I’m really, really glad I didn’t get married before I was like 22 or 23. Because I was even more of a mess then than I am now, and I think it would have been much more difficult, both short term and in the long run. I think about that semi-often, and I’m seriously really, really glad.

But if all that is true, then what AM I bothered by?

Well, the reason I complain so much about all my friends being married is that once they are married, there is permanently someone else in their life that will always take precedence over me, no matter what. It sounds kind of selfish, but hear me out.

The same is true with my unmarried friends. I have LOTS of friends. I know it. And I know that I have loads of people who would help me out if I ever needed it. But I don’t have a best friend. Ya know? Even out of all the hundreds of people that I’m good friends with, there is no one in the whole world who doesn’t have someone else that’s slightly more important to them than I am.

All of my friends have spouses or boy/girlfriends or best friends. (It's totally worse when they're married, too, because it's like they can't ever be away from their spouse for longer than 2 seconds at a time, or they panic attack. So I either get stuck with people's husbands who I don't know at my events, thus ruining the personalness of hanging with my friend, or I get no friend at all.) And if they were planning to do something with me, but something came up with said significant other, they’d pick the other over me. In fact, I get flaked out on a LOT because of that exact thing.

I really, really hate flaking out. Like a lot. But I get it in this circumstance. It’s okay. In fact it’s normal. But I will now tell you why it still bothers me, even though it is so normal.

Ever heard of that five love languages theory? Probably you have, but I’ll summarize it just in case you haven’t. Basically, everyone gives and receives love in different ways, and that’s why half the marriage fights in the world happen. Because one person shows love one way, but the other person receives it in a different way, and therefore feels chronically un-loved.

The five ways are: Physical touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service.

Most of those are pretty self explanatory. Some people just do not feel loved unless you say the actual words. Other people don’t care if you say the words or not, but if you do stuff for them, then they feel appreciated. Etc. Etc. Well, even though I’ve never taken the official test, I’m like 97% sure what mine are.

I give love by gifts. It’s like physical proof that I was thinking about someone at a time when they weren’t even present, and that I know them well enough to know what stuff they’d want. (They have to be the right kind of gifts, not just junk you bought to give to someone in hopes of placating them.)

I’ve discovered that I’m a very cynical person, and I operate a lot on proof. I like proof. I mean, you can say any words you want, but how do I know you mean them? How do I know you aren’t just saying things to say them or to be nice, or whatever? But doing things is like proving the words.

(Granted, in books and stuff, and sometimes in real life, people can use the physical proof against you just as much. But in a world where not everyone is a super villain, it’s more reliable than words.)

On the other hand, I receive love by quality time. Sure, I like getting presents, and getting them is like secondarily important (since I give them, understand the getting of them). But I don’t care all that much if you bring a present to my birthday party, as long as you come.

The mere fact of coming is what makes all the difference to me. Or if you’re my visiting teacher, and you pop in for 5 minutes and then leave, I still feel untaught. It doesn’t matter that you brought me cookies (although I like cookies.) It’s much more important that you just sit there and talk to me for a little while.

That’s why I never want people to leave when they come over. And why I’m so very good at continuing to talk and stall them. Because when they leave, they’re not spending time with me anymore, and I don’t get nearly enough of people spending time with me, since they all have other obligations. I’m very very rarely the one that says “I should probably go” or “you should probably go”. And if I do, it’s only because I know that they really, really, really want to leave, and I don’t want to sound needy even though I still don’t want them to go. Either that or because I have to go to work or something.

Unless it’s a really awkward date or something. Then I’m all like “Yeah... I should go.”

Awkward quality time is like anti-quality time. It makes me feel even worse, and more ignored, and less loved. Weirdly. I don’t get why, but it does. Which is why it’s hard for me to hang out in large groups of people I don’t know, and why I never talk when I do. And why I always feel mopey afterward.

Anyway, that’s why it’s hard for me to not have a best friend. Because even when I spend good, quality time with someone I’m close to, they always have to eventually go home to their husband, or go to their other friend’s party, or whatever it is.

Then I’m sad, because there’s no one being there with me. And no one being there with me feels a lot the same to me as no one caring about me at all for the rest of forever.

Hahahahahaha. I went on the site to take the official quiz, and some of the questions are really awkward. It gives you two scenarios, and you have to decide which one you’d prefer even if you like or hate both of them. One said “I enjoy kissing or being kissed by people with whom I am close.”

Pfft. Like I would even know the answer to that.

Not that I wouldn't like to know the answer. I mean, maybe I would more than the other choice, but it’s not like I actually have experience there. *shrug*

Yeah, that test told me nothing that I didn’t already know. Well, except that I thought words of affirmation would be last on the list, and it was only second to last, in front of physical touch. However, I have a feeling that touch will be more important in a dating relationship than just as a single person. And anyway, it was 1 point for touch and 3 for words, so they were both very low. (As opposed to my 11 out of a possible 12 on quality time.)

But yeah, I pretty much had that figured out already.

Anyway, when I don't get quality time from people who actually want to be around me, I lose all of my energy. Two days ago, I actually found myself wandering around through the empty rooms of my apartment, not doing anything but wandering. It was totally like a crazy ghost haunting stuff and not knowing why. Which is super weird.

 It’s especially bad right now, because I can’t call anyone up and just be like “hey, wanna hang out?” Every person I know that I could do that to non-awkwardly either lives in a different state, is out of town, or is at work/school/busy right now. All of my roommates are out of town. One’s even out of the country. There is no one here. And it makes me sad.

I think I must be part cat. I do my own thing when people are around, but as soon as they’re gone, I’m all “DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE!”

There’s this super funny youtube video called sad cat diary. One part says “Dear diary. It is 3 in the morning. The authorities have closed the door to the bedroom. I can only assume that they have forgotten about me and have left me here to die. As a last resort, I will stand post for the rest of the night and sing the song of my people, in hopes that they rescue me.”

Anyway, now if you're ever wondering why I so often complain about all my married friends, or having no friends, or whatever it is, you understand why.

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