Thursday, March 18, 2010

Are you a man or an amoeba?

Wow. I've really run out of things to blog about, and yet here I am, once again posting something that isn't really about anything. Alas.

I'm just gonna type whatever comes into my mind. And right now that isn't much. But you know me... it's probably gonna end up being super long anyway. I don't know how I do it, but I have a gift for stretching even the shortest explanations into a long and drawn out post.

So something popped into my brain, and I'm gonna type about it. You might find it somewhat odd, coming from me. Because I am not boy or man crazy in anywhere near the typical unmarried 24 year old at BYU way. Don't get me wrong, eventually that is what I want. I don't want to be alone for my whole life. One, because that would just suck. And two, because that would really just suck. But I'm honestly not so worried about it. I realize it'll happen when it happens, and I'll have the whole entire rest of my life to be married. Why should I stress about waiting for that a little longer?

What I complain about more often is two things, the second of which is what I was thinking to type about. One, pretty much all of my friends are married. And most of them are having babies. This doesn't make them less my friends. It really just means that I pretty much never, ever see them unless I babysit for them. That leaves me friendless and bored. I have other friends, but almost all of them are newer acquaintances, and so I can't (yet) say and do the same sort of stuff as with my older friends. It'll get there, though. It just isn't right now. And this makes me sad. Because I have literally no social life whatsoever outside of facebook chat.

K, the second thing I like to complain about a lot is guys. And why they're retarded. I really should expand that statement and say that humans in general are retarded. Because it's completely true. There are girls out there that are just as dumb, or more so, than a lot of the guys that annoy me. However, I am not a guy. And therefore I don't know what attracts guys to girls, what annoys them, how they think, or what they talk about when girls aren't around. I've had glimpses, and gotten inklings, but really it's just as much of a mystery why guys are the way they are to us as we are to them. Seriously, people always say that girls are so confusing, but I think it's a two way street.

But, I DO know what I think is cool in guys, and what differentiates the awesome (and sadly rare) ones from the retards and jerks. And so I will therefore attempt to enlighten any male readers to these basic rules. Not that I expect to have that many male readers. I don't have many readers in general. But whatever.

Keep in mind that, while these are general rules as far as I know, some of them might be a little more subjective to my personal preference. Also remember that I will probably forget lots of stuff. This is not a comprehensive, fail-safe list. Here we go: "For a guy to attract a girl"

Rule #1: There might be girls out there who like to see your underwear out the back of your pants, but I've never met one. Every single one I've talked to about this, including roommates, sisters, and classmates, think that this is actually gross. We don't want to see your boxers. Sorry.

Rule #2: Generally speaking, acting like you're mr. Hot-stuff is NOT attractive. People look at you, and instead of thinking you're cute, or you're nice, the first thing they notice is what a big ego you have. And let's face it, if you love yourself that much there's only gonna be so much room for loving the girl. And loving yourself more than the other person inevitably leads to disaster.

Rule #3: There are a few different types of girls. And some girls go right along with this and think it's fine and funny, and all that. But personally I don't. And that thing is stupidity. If you enjoy going out and doing amazingly stupid things because you think it's funny, then you're too intellectually inferior to even want to hang out with. I don't want to hear about all your stupid stories because they aren't funny to me. They're just retarded.
Things that are stupid enough to qualify for this list include stuff like trying to ride on the top of a subway train, bungee jumping with rusty chains that you found in the garage, playing mailbox baseball, pranks that destroy expensive property, the making yourself pass out for no reason game, triple-dog-dares involving whirring blades or crash landings, aiming guns at people, and the list goes on.

Note: Don't get me wrong. I have a sense of humor. And some stuff IS funny. There are many pranks and dares that are awesome. But there's a line. And if you have the potential to die or end up with a hefty jail sentence because of your activity, you probably shouldn't do it. (Or at least don't brag to me about it, because I don't care, and it WON'T make me want to date you).

Rule #4 and #5: I'm putting these two together because they're extremely interrelated. First, it's ok to be straight up with girls. Lot's of guys are afraid of making un-ambiguous statements like "I really like you." or "Will you go on a date with me?" (for me personally, going through a long complicated process to ask someone on a date isn't so much cute, as just an excuse to not be brave enough to just ask). But really, I understand this. Because some girls are really mean. Sometimes you get totally shut down. I'm sorry for that. Because people shouldn't be mean, even if they don't like you that way.
But the next rule has to do with the fact that most of the time the really embarrassing stories (the ones that make all guys afraid to be straight up) happen because of stupidity instead of being honest. If you tell a girl you love her and want to marry her while you're on the first date, chances are she'll avoid you for the rest of your life. If you act like you're still a freshman in high school, and then ask her on a date, she'll probably tell you no. (This, of course, applies to anyone older than a 9th grader).
So you see, there's a clear line between boldness and overbearance. And crossing that line is what makes some guys look really stupid for being straight up. Just use your brain. Now, if you've been dating for a while, and you tell a girl you love her, and she doesn't love you back, sometimes that's gonna hurt, but it will hurt a lot less than finding out way later that she doesn't like you that way. Besides, if you get hurt like that by a girl who totally led you on, you don't want to end up with someone who's not honest like that anyway. But seriously, any girl who's actually worth dating will appreciate that you were honest with her, even if it does become a little awkward because she doesn't think of you that way. She won't think you're a retard, or any of that stuff, unless you cross the overbearance line. Just be warned, if you cross the overbearing line, you're automatically making yourself immortal. Stories of idiot guys who do retarded things can spread like wildfire. This also hurts your chances for future dates.

Rule #6: The "man card". Sometimes guys will joke about having a man card. And if you do something un-manly then your friends can revoke your man card, as a euphemistic way of telling you that they think you're waaaaaay out of line, and don't count as a man anymore. This is the most retarded thing ever. For two reasons. Reason number 1, the majority of the worth-dating girls don't care about your stupid man card. They don't care what your idiot friends think of your manliness. And they don't care what song you sing along to in the car, or what movie you watch, especially if you're doing it FOR a girl. Are you trying to marry a girl, or one of your manly friends? If you're a guy and you're still reading this, clearly the answer is a girl. And therefore clearly it stands to reason that it matters more what the girl thinks of your manliness than what your macho friends do. (For more on this, relating specifically to watching chick flicks, see the second half of my valentine's day post: )

Ok, reason number 2 on why it's a really stupid idea to care about a "man card": Most guys who think so highly of the said man card also think that doing something like the dishes, the laundry, or watching a chick flick actually damages their manhood somehow. (see the link above) These same things that are supposedly damaging to manhood are also things that girls REALLY appreciate from you. And if you never, ever do those things, it's hard on the girl. There is no neutral ground here. You're either doing that stuff and making her adore you even more, or not doing it and causing her to start being way more stressed, and eventually she starts to despise it. I'm not saying you have to be a slave, and do everything that she wants, all the time. She has to do stuff too. But really, it's pretty much ALWAYS a bad idea to choose man card over girl. Your manly friends aren't the ones who get to do all the laundry if you don't do it. And they aren't the ones that you're trying to impress/care for either. So there's really only one option here. Honestly, it makes you much more of a real man to put other people's needs before your own.

Rule #7: Video Games. You have to tread carefully here. Lots of girls like video games just as much as you do. In fact, I enjoy playing them too. I don't play a lot of different ones. Just guitar hero, duck hunt, mario, and the occasional Halo. But I can't think of a single girl that thinks a good time is sitting and watching you play. Sometimes it's interesting to watch my brother beat some kind of really hard level in something, or show me some kind of secret thing he found. Generally that's totally fine. But having someone just sit and watch you play something, even if it's as interesting as guitar hero, gets boring really fast. You either have to do something else (with her) or let her play with you. The key here is with. Being in the same room as each other doesn't count as doing something together. And don't worry... getting beat by a girl in a video game does not revoke your "man card" whatever your friends say. And if you think so, that inherently implies that you think girls are a lesser being than guys. And that is ALWAYS ALWAYS a bad thing to either say, imply, or even think. Because most girls will get really offended at that. And if you ever want to date her again, don't tell her she's an inferior being. If you can't understand why, then you shouldn't be dating anyway. Take a few years to become a real man who uses his brain, and then come back and try again.

Rule #8: Remember that most human beings take inferences from what other people say, but intend what they say to be taken at face value. Girls do this as much as anyone. If you say something, she'll take implications from it. But if you take implications from what she says (even if they really were there), then you're putting words in her mouth. I'm not saying it's right. And I'm not saying only girls do it. I'm just saying that's how it always is.

Rule #9 Wishy washy-ness is NOT an admirable characteristic. I of all people truly understand that it's hard to make executive decisions sometimes. It's not my best quality. But seriously, there's a limit. NO one likes a flake. It's extremely annoying.

The next few things are sort of some little commandments of attracting girls that are obvious. It's clear why you shouldn't do them. But I'm told that guys like things spelled out. So here it is.
Thou shalt NOT:
Lie (about anything.)
Cheat (If you feel the need to cheat on her, you obviously don't really love her like you should. So figure out where you stand, and either fix it or break it off.)
Forget your anniversary (personally I don't care about a dating anniversary. That's unnecessary. But a wedding anniversary... yeah, don't forget that. Because girls infer, and what's implied by that is that the marriage isn't important enough to you to be worth remembering.)
Kiss her for no reason (Either mean it or don't do it. If you do it for any reason aside from loving her, it counts as lying.)
Ignore her when you go someplace (especially when you're with a bunch of your manly friends)
Ignore her opinions on food and movies
Be a lazy slacker (this includes helping with anything. Dishes, taking out the trash, cooking, or even just occasionally holding the door open for her)

So yeah, there are lots and lots of don'ts. For guys and girls. Now I'm gonna list a couple of Do's. Some of these are really important, and some are just useful tips.

1: Some girls are morally opposed to cheese. Romantic evenings, music, roses, etc. I don't know what to tell you about them. There's a whole different way to attract them, I guess. But for everyone else there's Mastercard. Hahaha. Just kidding. Sometimes that's what it seems like though. The big diamonds and the expensive dinners. Just a tip, though, girls like me don't need expensive stuff. You don't have to have very much thoughtfullness to swipe a card at a swanky restaurant. But when you take the time to figure out something she'd really like, and you know her likes and dislikes when it comes to doing things, that counts for a whole lot more.

2:Like I said, some don't like the cheese. But the majority of girls I know are totally suckers for love songs. Whether or not you're musical personally, there's a way to make that happen. You can play a song on the guitar, sing to her, or you can just play a song on the stereo and make sure she knows you're playing it for her. Music does wonders.

3: Flowers NEVER hurt. I mean, I'm really not a flower person myself. I can live with or without them. But I've yet to meet a girl who would be upset that the guy she liked sent her a flower, even if she's not the cheesy type. Seriously, if in doubt, just do it. I have a really hard time imaging that it would ever count against you to send flowers. (except of course in the case of overbearance and stupidity. See rule #5. And even then, it's a lot lower on the list than some stuff.)

4: Be yourself. For you to ever get really close, she's gonna have to see the real you at some point. Not only is it less painful to find out that she doesn't like the real you on the first date instead of the 20th, but it's actually a lot more attractive to see a guy who's natural and comfortable, than one who's making a big scene, or putting on an act. She won't always like the real you, but like I said, it's safer to find that out right away. And if she does like the real you, then it's all the sooner that you get to become closer.

5: One thing I find extremely attractive is to see how much a guy really loves his family, or is trying to be a better person. As long as it isn't an act. (People can generally tell when it is). There are some people who know they need to change, and claim they are gonna do it in order to get the girl. This is not the same. Because that's part of putting on a show. Even if you fully intend to change, if you're not actively doing it, then it's just a nice sounding line. So I don't mean what he tells you, and all that jazz. I mean what you can see in everything around him. Like what he says in his blog, or the way he treats his family, or what the people who have been his friends for a long time know about him. I've heard that the surest way to tell how well a guy is gonna treat you is to look at how he treats his mom. If he totally disrespects his own mother, and doesn't ever listen to her, or help her with anything, then that's a sure sign he's a scumbag. Not everyone's mom is great, and not everyone should always listen to what she says, but that's a far, far cry from disrespecting her.

6: I also find it very attractive when a guy works hard at something. Even if his job is just working the on campus janitorial stuff. It doesn't matter what he's doing for work, or class, as long as he's trying to do his best at it so that he can improve his situation later on. This is also a far different thing than being a work-a-holic.

(see "The Princess and the Frog" for details.)

7: Girls like to hear it straight. Like I said before, there's no girl that's worth your trouble who's gonna treat you horribly for asking "will you go on a date with me". So do be straightforward. I know it's scary. Believe me. I understand. But that's also partly why girls like it so much. Because it shows that you have a spine.

Ok. It's gotten to be quite a bit later than when I started this post. Like three hours later. So I really think I need to bow out now. Especially because this list has the potential to be too long to fit in a blog. And that would be unfortunate. Haha. Or not. You're probably all going "whew, I can't believe I read that whole thing". Unless you got bored at skipped to the end. That's ok, too. :P

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