Why I Never Want A Dog

When a stranger approaches

Cat's reaction: Slyly observe while pretending to be asleep or unconcerned

Dog's reaction: Bark

If the stranger turns out to be dangerous

Cat's reaction: Slash face with claws. Bite jugular. Threat neutralized.

Dog's reaction: Bark

When trapped some place it doesn't want to be

Cat's reaction: Move/climb things until an escape route is discovered or created

Dog's reaction: Bark

When left alone while owners are on vacation

Cat's reaction: Cool. I get the house to myself.

Dog's reaction: Whimper with loneliness. (A variation on 'bark')

When playing with owner's children in the woods

Cat's reaction: Scope the area from a sniper's POV. Keep a secure perimeter.

Dog's reaction: SMELLS! SQUIRRELS! SMELLS! BARK!

When children in the woods are threatened by a poisonous snake

Cat's reaction: Kill snake. Threat neutralized.

Dog's reaction: Jump between the snake and the children. Then bark.

When mice invade the house

Cat's reaction: Kill mice. Threat neutralized. Tasty snack acquired.

Dog's reaction: Bark.


Meaning when a cat sits on your lap: A sign of extreme affection, trust, and loyalty.

Meaning when a dog sits on your lap: Nothing. They do it 64 times a day.

When nature calls

Cat's reaction: Discretely relieve oneself. Bury evidence.

Dog's reaction: Go wherever the heck I feel like it. Preferably where someone will step in it.

When nature calls while inside

Cat's reaction: Go to the litter box

Dog's reaction: Bark.

When nature calls, and one is trapped indoors

Cat's reaction: Go to the litter box.

Dog's reaction: Go wherever the heck I feel like it. The middle of the floor looks nice.

When hungry

Cat's reaction: Sit on the food box and stare with soulful eyes. If owners are not present, acquire tasty snack.  Preferably mammalian (Mice or similar.)

Dog's reaction: Bark.

When bored

Cat's reaction: Find something to play with. Usually strings or insects. Problem resolved.

Dog's reaction: PLAYWITHMEI'MSOBOREDPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLAYWITHMENOW PLEASEPLEASEBARK!

Preferred toys

Cat: Catnip, string, milk lids, insects, laser pointers, ribbons, anything on a string.

Dog: Couch cushions, slippers, newspapers, favorite shoes, favorite shirt, favorite antique.

When happy

Cat's reaction: This is the life.

Dog's reaction: I'm so happy I could just BARK!

When excited

Cat's reaction: Cool.

Dog's reaction: Knock owners down with unbounded energy while barking like a maniac.

When a strange animal invades territory

Cat's reaction: Enemy sighted. Extermination plan initiated. Drop on back. Blind with left hook. Decapitate. Threat neutralized.

Dog's reaction: Bark.

When lonely

Cat's reaction: What is this loneliness of which you speak?

Dog's reaction: Sad and mournful bark howl.

When getting a tummy rub

Cat's reaction: Purr

Dog's reaction: Affectionate bark

When left alone for several days while owners are on a business trip

Cat's reaction: Food supply, limited. Rationing initiated. Supplement by acquiring snacks. (Mammalian or avian, preferred. Reptilian or insect, acceptable.)

Dog's reaction: Look at all this food! Nomnomnomnom. *starves for three days*

When the mail comes

Cat's reaction: Oh, look. The mail. *sleeps*

Dog's reaction: Bark.

When a person is allergic to animals

Cat's reaction: And your point is...?

Dog's reaction: Rub, slobber, and jump all over the person in question. Then Bark.

When something surprises it

Cat's reaction: Freeze. Extend claws. Be prepared for anything. Analyze threat. Neutralize if necessary.

Dog's reaction: Bark.