Monday, February 22, 2010

Their adventures while they're there.

Contrary to what many of my facebook friends believe, I don't make posts and statuses like this because I'm irrationally annoyed and irritated by people who spell everything horribly wrong. I grant that if someone sends me an email with more than a couple occasional mistakes, I really just can't bring myself to finish reading it. So in high concentration, yes, it does start to irk me enough that I must remove myself from the situation. But just generally speaking I make posts like this not to express the turmoil of my inner soul caused by such atrocities, but to both make fun of lesser intellects, and to actively work toward correcting the stupidity epidemic that is running rampant through modern society.
Maybe you still think that it's a sad and pitiful existence I lead, where laughing at morons is so entertaining. You might be right. But I really don't care. I do want to make a note, though. Everyone, at least once in their life, makes a grammatical mistake, especially in typing. I do it all the time, especially because of my auto-complete function. You know how most phones have a text option where it can finish the word for you? My fingers totally do that while I'm typing. They get ahead of my brain, and finish words. They're always real words, but not always the right real word. For example, I frequently use "it's" instead of "its", not because I get them confused, but because my fingers go onto autopilot. Therefore, if you occasionally write the wrong word, or you have autopilot fingers, or anything like unto it, you aren't included in the "moron" group. Because that happens to everyone. I might even accidentally do it in this post. When I say moron, I specifically refer to people who pretty much get it all wrong, all the time, and are completely clueless when someone corrects them, because they don't understand what's wrong.
But, like I said before, that's not the only reason I write stuff like this. This is also informative. It is an attempt to make aware those who are not dumb, but simply didn't realize the mistake, so that they don't look stupid in important situations. If you learned something from this exposition, and go forth newly educated, you also do not count in the moron group. The ability to learn new things, and the willingness to change when you're wrong is a highly valuable trait, and is one of the signs of brain cell usage. So, on we go:

The I before E rule:
  • People tend to ignore this one because they think it's too complicated. It's really not that hard. Basically, if you're spelling something with an I and an E next to each other, 90% of the time the I will come before the E. Simple as that. EX. "Friend, niece, tried"
There are two official exceptions. Except after C, and unless it sounds A. These are also not rocket science.
  • "Except after C" just means that if the I and the E come right after a C in the word, then the E comes first. I don't know why. They just decided that. "Receive".
  • Unless it sounds A. Think about it. If the word makes an A sound, like "neighbor" and "weigh" then the E comes first. Not that tough to figure out. Again, no idea why. But there you go.
There are only four words I've ever officially documented that don't follow any of these rules.
  • "Deity" which could technically fall under unless it sounds A, because some people pronounce it that way. I think it sounds weird, so I count is as a random exception.
  • "Weird" This word is just weird. That's all.
  • The name "Heidi"
  • "Their" which again could almost fit under sounding like A, but it depends on your accent.
If all else fails, just use your eyes. "Friend" looks normal, and "freind" looks completely retarded. "Weird" looks normal, and "wierd" looks just dumb. "Tried" looks right. "treid" looks like someone's failed attempt at a fantasy character name.

They're, there, and their:
  • They're = a contraction of THEY and ARE. It is used anywhere that you would normally write "They are", but you feel like making it shorter, or more like colloquial speech. "They're going to the beach today."
  • There = a place. "Where is it? Over there." or "Bob is going to be there today."
  • Their = It belongs to them. "That is their baby." or "Their house is very nice."
Again, just use your brain. You aren't going to ever say "I hope they are dog doesn't bite."(They're dog) Or "The coming over that belongs to them."(Their coming over.)

You're and Your:
  • You're = Just like with They're. You Are. The apostrophe is the give away there. "You're going to the mall right now?"
  • Your = possessive. It belongs to you. "Is that your dog?"
Two, To, and Too:
  • Two = the number 2. "There are two apples on the table."
  • To = Generally used either with infinitive verbs "to eat, to run, to talk" or to indicate place "He is going to the store."
  • Too = Also, as in "I'm going with them too." or quantity, as in "Too much" or "too long"
This one's a little harder to explain in words, and it's probably one of the most mis-used. You really just have to accept the fact that sometime straight memorizing is not that bad, nor in this case that hard, and just suck it up and do it.

Know and No:
  • Know = Knowledge. "I know that already."
  • No = a lack of something as in "There are no more otter pops." or a refusal, as in "I did ask him. He said no."
Its and It's:
  • Its = Possessive. Something belongs to it. "That is its basket."
  • It's = It + is. "It's getting dark outside." Again, the apostrophe is the clue, there.
Like with They're and You're, remember what the two words are (not a genius level feat). It is. You aren't going to ever say "I wish it would stay in it is house." (It's)

Periods and commas:
  • Admittedly, I have no idea where to put commas half the time. It's not actually the most crucial skill when facebooking or chatting. What I'm talking about it pretending like what you say actually makes sense. Or at least says what you think it says. "Eats, shoots, and leaves" or "Eats shoots and leaves".
  • How to use a period? When your sentence is done, put a dot. The end.
  • For example, if I get a comment on my page that says "I really like that i wish i could it's been forever we should totally hang out" it's a little confusing, even with everything spelled right. The "it's been forever" could be talking about whatever you wish you could do, or about how you should hang out cuz it's been too long.
  • "i wish i could run away" could mean "I wish I could do that too. You should run away." or it could mean "I wish that I could run away right now." Periods make worlds of difference.
Ok, so these aren't the best examples ever. I'm not great at coming up with wrong stupid sentences. But the idea is apparent. When you don't ever use any kind of punctuation, no one knows what the crap you're trying to say. You have to read it like 6 times to figure out where the sentences end, and which phrases belong to which thoughts.

These are the ones that are the most commonly slaughtered. I'm sure I'm missing a few frequently mis-used words, but this is good enough for a start. Don't get me wrong. There are some things that I think don't matter at all. Like sentence fragments. (exhibit A). Things like sentence fragments are sometimes horribly confusing, but most of the time they make what you type sound just like how it would sound if you were speaking out loud. This is an example of creative license in writing. Some rules don't have to be followed when you're going for a particular feeling or sound.
BUT there is a massive difference between rules that are bendable for literary effect, and rules that are there so people can decipher your paleolithic cave scratchings. (translation: Your horrid writing) Moral of the story: Some people think that being smart and educated is a waste of time and coolness. Said people usually work at places like the Rustburg Hardee's for the rest of their lives. Don't be one of those people.


Dana said...

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree on one point here. Weird should be spelled wierd, if for no other reason than I think I think it should be that way. Plus, I rule the world. And if you think to yourself that I am a moron, you will immediately change your thoughts to outie bellybuttons. That's one of the benefits to ruling the world and all.

Sra said...

Hahaha. Yeah, there really is no logical reason at all why weird is spelled that way. But you're a little late on the ruling the world part. I've been supreme chancellor of the galaxy for years now. You must have missed the memo. :P