Thursday, September 23, 2010

G is for Rabbit.

Working at the library is awesome. There are loads of benefits, not the least of which is having no late fees. A very, very definite plus for me. Occasionally the junior section gets a little cheesy, but that's to be expected. Children's libraries are supposed to be that way. And sometimes the displays are actually really cool.

There's one thing I wonder about, though. Literally every time I walk past the AV section. In this order, I see a poster for Singing in the Rain, Gone with the Wind, and then this:

It just doesn't seem to fit in with the classy theme. But more importantly, it makes me wonder about the people who draw these things.

According to the illustrations, here is how I interpret this poster.

Rated G: G is for giraffe. This movie is so tame that even spotless giraffes, rabbits, foreign exchange students, and ten year olds on a date may attend.

I've never seen a spotless giraffe. I've never even heard of one. So I imagine that they must be pretty shy, hence their use in illustrating the true tameness of the G. In fact, it's so tame that they invited a magician to entertain, so people wouldn't walk out.

Rated PG: Prohibit Giraffes. Aunt Velma couldn't stay awake through a G, but she's fine with PG. Rabbits are cool with anything, so they stay, even though the magician's been fired. 15 year old skater boys are so excited, they bring their boom boxes to the movie with them.

Ten year olds on a date are strictly prohibited, as are any sort of giraffe. As far as kids go, little boys are allowed to see anything they want, but little girls must be censored.

Rated PG-13: Prohibit Giraffes to the 13th power. Giraffes are clearly victims of racism. Rabbits can enter, but not Giraffes. Oh no. Not even spotted ones. Aunt Velma's gone too, and skater boy stayed home with his boom box.

The ten year olds are back, but they must be dressed up like stalkers, and will not be admitted if a date is present.

Little girls are still not allowed to actually watch the movie. Their parents buy them a ticket for the sole purpose of reminding them that they aren't old enough to actually watch the movie yet.

Little boys don't have this problem. They're allowed to see the entire movie, as long as it's only through one eye at a time. Must be some kind of vision strengthening exercise.

In short, the only people who can actually watch these movies without stipulation are the parents.

No blondes allowed.

Rated R: Rabbit's gone. The movie got to be too much for him. Kids are gone too. The parents have finally realized that spending the movie with their hands over their kids' eyes is just a waste of money. Instead, they dress up and have a date night.

A double date, in fact, with a pair of 15 year olds who have already lettered in their high school sports. Only the most ambitious and dedicated of high schoolers are allowed into an R. It's an elite community.

NC-17: Rabbit's back. He had to run home and get his sunglasses. That's the only reason he missed the R, apparently. Giraffe is still bitter. He is currently involved in lengthy court proceedings in hopes of repealing the anti-giraffes at movies act. His chances are slim, but he insists that they will only use the back row of seats.

Why is that college student going around watching "patently adult movies" all on his own? Oh yeah. I forgot. NC 17 also stands for "stalker preparation and training school".

NC-17 also makes a great date for you and your spouse. Nothing like extreme violence and ludeness to keep your marriage going.

Seriously, the rabbit? He was censored in PG 13, banned in R, and allowed in NC-17... These are the things I wonder EVERY time I pass this poster at the library.

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