Saturday, September 4, 2010

Me: A Photo-essay

I decided to use my blog for something that it's actually meant to be used for. I shall now expound to you a few things about myself. I have chosen to do this in the form of a photo-essay. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. And so you'll be getting five or six thousand words describing me.

What a treat you're in for!

Click on each picture to view the larger, more detailed versions.

Let's begin with the basics, shall we?

This is me.
This was taken only last week. I mention this only to point out that it is extremely accurate in its portrayal.

As you can see by the subtle coloring and shading, I am holding a sword, a book, and am standing next to a sign with the letters N-E-R-D printed on it. These things are very commonplace in my life. That is why I picked this photograph to introduce myself. As they say, first impressions are very important, and so I thought it necessary to give you an accurate first impression of me.

From here we move on to a few key aspects of my life. School was a great time for me. Here I am showing my school spirit.

Ravenclaw was instrumental in helping me to develop my talents, and to find myself. Here I discovered a little bit about who I truly am.

In school I majored in Narnia, Fablehaven, wand-making, and quill-manship. While I excelled in the former three, I continue to struggle with the later to this day. And though I hope to use the quill and parchment in my future career as a professional scribe, it will take quite a bit more hard work on my part.

I would also like to mention that I have many different hobbies outside of school. In fact, I have a super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot alter-ego that goes about solving world hunger and fighting crime in the evenings.

My crime-fighting, hunger-solving, wicked-awesome alter ego, lowering her bow as she realizes that what she heard was only a photographer, and not the evil super-villain that she was on the trail of.

There is so much to talk about, and so little time in which to do it. I wish, now, to delve a bit deeper into myself. Quite literally. This is a photograph of the outside of my brain.

Note the filing cabinet. This is evidence of my very serious attempt to organize my life, and become a responsible, hard-working, mature adult.

Such a photo is quite self explanatory. You can see by it the large, efficient, intellectual machine that is my frontal lobe. The thoroughly effective connection provided by the brain-stem. And even the marvelous specimen of a medulla oblongata which I am fortunate to possess. I say this not to brag, but merely to put forth the facts.

In a natural train of thought, we'll proceed next to the inside of my brain.

The hi-def coloring is somewhat lacking in this example, as the blog is such a basic, and frankly lacking, form of expression when it comes to the visual. In translating brain signals into media, it always loses some of its richness.

As you are quite aware, I'm sure, that the inside of a brain changes extremely often, I find it necessary to add a few more unplanned photos to this essay. They should give you a better idea of the true nature of the inside of my brain.

I hope you have enjoyed this sneak peek into the workings of my brain. It's not often that I expose so much of my true self at once.

Now that we have delved so deeply, let us again return to the outer layers of my person. Here I include a picture of my pet, Rolf. He can be somewhat intimidating at first, but let me assure you that he is quite tame. The photograph was taken quite safely.

Here I am riding Rolf over a peaceful pastoral setting. Rolf never attacks the sheep. He's a gentle fellow. The sheep rather enjoy his company.

Now there are a few questions that you may still have. When I am not engaged in serious intellectual thought, quillmanship practice, crime fighting, or the training of Rolf, what is it that I do with my time? How do I make my living?

Up until quite recently, this is how I employed my time. I say 'until', however, because after a minor incident at work, I discovered the consequences of any tiny mistake, and began to realize the true danger of my work. If I ever hope to make it through scribe school, I need to be much more careful with myself. My hands, especially.

A photo of me employed as a professional zombie slayer. It gave me no practical experience in furthering my ambitions toward scribery, but the pay was sufficient to get me through most of my schooling. There are things about it that I shall certainly miss.

I am about to conclude this photo-essay. But before I do, I realize that you may yet have one question. What was it that happened, which caused me to so suddenly seek new employment? What, in the field of zombie-slaying, could have possibly gone so wrong? Well, I feel that this final picture will be quite self-explanatory.

This is me in the throws of a violent, but fortunately temporary accident, while employed with Zombies-R-Us Inc. This is what happens to a failed Zombie Slayer. It opened my eyes to many potential dangers and disadvantages to this line of work, and so I steadfastly continue to pursue scribery as my life's profession.

I hope you enjoyed learning all about me. And I do hope that you shall come back for more. After all, sneak peeks into people this awesome are not to be taken or discarded lightly. In conclusion, I should like to say thank you for so much interest. Donations are accepted. In fact, they are encouraged.

With every donation of more than $100, you will receive a collectors edition ballpoint pen, absolutely free. Each pen is decorated with miniaturized copies of the photos you have seen here. Don't miss out on this offer!

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