Sunday, September 26, 2010

Social Experiment part 1: Twilight

Curse you, Stephanie Meyer.

That's really all I can say about that. Take all the mixed messages out of it that you want. If you feel the sincere desire to know more detail, fine. I'll tell you. But curse you Stephanie Meyer.

I chose this pic because it's one of the (very) few non-emo ones.

The very, very first thing that I got from having finally read Twilight was an even deeper loathing for the movies. I thought they were bad before. But now I understand the full extent of their awfulness. UGH!
Kristin 'emo face' Stewart = Fail

But the movies weren't Stephanie Meyer's fault. Why do I curse her? Answer: For making me suffer through almost 300 pages of mush before getting to the awesome part.

Allow me to clarify. I like a little bit of cheese, as much as anyone. Don't think I haven't imagined running into some dashing roman god myself. I do realize that, when in the clutches of such an intense crush, you don't always think clearly. And parts like "I think I forgot how to breathe" are funny the first twelve times.

But the pages upon pages of being struck dumb by his perfection got old really, really fast. In fact, if I hadn't chosen to read it for myself (as opposed to someone telling me to read it), I probably would have given up on it halfway through the meadow scene. Last time I tried to read it (because my friend made me) I didn't even get that far. It was just a lot too much for me. In the words of my brother, my gag reflex on such things is a little stronger than most girls.

Plus Stephanie has a fetish for asides in sentences. She uses - and by uses I mean overuses- dashes a lot. Almost as much as I overuse ellipses...

THEN we get to the baseball game, followed by the epic hunt. The movie failed at this part. Well, it failed at all the parts. But it really failed at this one. I mean, they pretty much showed all the important stuff, but without all the inner monologue, it doesn't really mean anything. They just fly to Phoenix and he attacks her. The end.

I honestly didn't expect such a simple bit of plot to be so interesting. When you think about the actual things that happen, there's honestly not a lot to it. But the way it was portrayed forced me to stay up till 3 finishing it when I was planning to be in bed by like 11:30 or so.

I think it was partly like that because of James's voice. When I read his lines, his voice in my head sounded exactly like the creeper voice on scream. You know, at the beginning when he's stalking her house, and he calls her like 10 times. The only part of scream that's actually scary. Having a character sound like that was really, really creeping me out. I just shuddered thinking about it.

I saw the edited version (of scream), but even in the unedited one the beginning is the only terrifying part. As soon as you see that stupid mask, it's over. If you don't know what I'm referring to, here's a clip. There's nothing gross in it. Just the creepy voice. And Drew Barrymore's awful haircut.

Anyway, that's how James sounded on the phone, to me. And it was giving me the heebie jeebies.

Alright, let's summarize.

Things I hated about the Twilight book:
  • The overabundance of mush. Gag me.
  • Their obsession. I guess I haven't ever been in love myself, so I don't really know what it's like. But it just seemed creepy stalkerish addicted rather than just hopelessly smitten.
  • I still don't understand about the vampire powers. It sounded like everyone has a different kind of power based on their human life, but then only Edward, Jasper, and Alice have any actual powers. Well, and James. I don't get it.
  • Because I know that Bella's mind is weird, I'm gonna HAVE to read the rest now, to figure out how it's gonna translate into vampirity. Drawn in and stuck. Dang it.
  • Needing to know certain things will make me have to suffer through several hundred more pages of mush. Not only that, but mush with Jacob AND Edward. Ugh.
  • Disliking Kristin Stewart even more than before. I didn't really need help with that.
  • The sparkly skin. I honestly, seriously, and with conviction think that the reason she made them sparkly is because she had effectively explained away all the vampire myths but the coming out at night one, and she needed to do something about it. How else could anyone ever even start to come up with the idea of vampires sparkling in the sun? It makes so little sense that that's my only theory.

Things I did like about it:
  • Emmett carrying her like a football was strangely endearing. *shrug*
  • I understand all the characters. Even Rosalie. You really can't blame her for how she is. And Billy, too. You just can't get mad at him.
  • Alice and Jasper. I wish they were my friends. They're so cool. Seriously, they're my favorite part. Not necessarily them together as a couple. Just them as people.
  • The epicness of the second half. Of course, that's the sort of thing I like to read, so it doesn't really surprise me. I'd like it better if it wasn't inseparably coupled with Edward OCD.
  • I can honestly, sincerely, and relievedly say that reading the book did not make me a Twi-tard, addict, junkie, or obsessed fan. I will probably read the rest, just to answer my questions, but I will not be attending the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn, and I will not be purchasing either the books or the movies. I will not be putting twilight pictures as my computer desktop or profile, and I will honestly be able to say that I gave it a fair, unbiased shot.
  • Just about the right balance between description and leaving it to your imagination. Except the hotel room. That was a little much, but I suppose it conveyed her extreme antsy-ness. I never did understand why people narrating a book through a character feel it necessary to pull a Victor Hugo sometimes. The character isn't going to be thinking "The drapes hung like ominous shadows, waiting to ambush me". People just don't. Well, normal people. I admit that I do on occasion, but not that much.

Well, I think that pretty much covers it. Pros, cons, and everything in between. That was my Twilight reading experience.

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